November 23, 2018 - Missing my Mom

It has been just 2 months shy of a year since my last entry.  As I looked back over the posts, I can see that I had worked myself to a good space.  Good on me!  

I have now been working part time since the middle of September.  I work for an agency that serves a preschool population, and have a caseload of approximately 10 children - most of whom I am scheduled to see twice weekly.  I do this in a very short school day: 8:45am - 2:00pm.  There are snack breaks, lunch breaks, bathroom breaks - and academic programming during the day.  I am reminded of how challenging it is to do good work in an academic setting. 

I have been teaching an online course.  My learning with online instruction has increased immensely - and while it is satisfying, I am finding that giving feedback over youtube videos is probably my favorite part.  There is an aspect of "performer" in me, and an even larger aspect of loving the human relationship, that makes online teaching more challenging.  

I am working with a group of clinicians-educators-scholars-researchers from across the country on expanding the definition of "evidence" and "evidence-based practice."  I enjoy that.  I also have ideas for how I would like to see evidence-building as an occupation taught in a curriculum - and perhaps even to students who are not OT's - but typical everyday students who must navigate this onslaught of information to which we may almost seem to be victims.

Additionally, I am realizing that I want to use this time productively. While money is tight - circumstances are not dire.  If I am to listen to Spirit's guidance, and to explore what is set before me, I must be sure to create space in which there is space to "be" and "hear" what I am being given. So far, as I move forward, I am discovering more about what I "don't" want, than what I "do" want - and this is good progress. 

Yesterday and today, here's what I am noticing: a profound sadness...profound.  I think I am missing my mom.  It may be more than grief for her alone, but grief for where I am at this moment in my life.  I am at a crossroads.  My children are grown.  I am no longer clear on my professional pathway.  I am no longer a "spring chicken," and am feeling tired - that the demands of academia are more than what my spirit can withstand; that the demands of everyday treatment with children are more than what my spirit can withstand; that my passion that burned so brightly when I came here may be slowly fizzling out; a disbelief that I surely cannot be at a place where I have nothing more to do with this wild and wonderful life than arrange my life to play.  When I think of what drew me here - I wanted leadership training - and came to Mercy to get it.  What I received was a lesson in politics, in my own deficits, and in owning my own story - but no support in growing into the person I thought I was becoming.  Not bad lessons to learn.  So, if that Garrison Keilor adage holds true (you know the one - “Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known. ”),  - then, I can assume that I am on an accurate path.  

And now, as I ponder those words, and sit with my grief - my mother, the job, the realization that I thought I would be headed in one direction, but am finding that I, perhaps, was mistaken - I truly don't know what I want.  There is a piece of me that strives to move forward in a position of service that will use my talents...where my "doings" are not work, but acts of love...where mediocrity is not acceptable...where I am not bled dry...where there is balance so I have time and space for art, prayer, taking care of my body, and being with those whom I love...where money flows in a way that supports my needs and maybe a few wants...

My cousin stated that she was praying for the "perfect job" for me.  Before, when she told me this, I giggled and told her that the message I was getting was "to rest."  Perhaps my prayer should be this: "Trust in that.  Rest."  That would mean letting go of my financial worries.  And then, will I know when that perfect job appears?  Will I recognize it?  Perhaps these should be my prayers as well.    

I was distracted by something in my peripheral vision - it was moving across my floor.  When I looked down, I saw a rainbow - reflected through the prisms hanging in my kitchen window - one of two places where light enters my apartment.  And my small bowling alley, galley kitchen is full of rainbows that are reaching into this small hall space where I type.  It is a sign - sadness and grief, as well, sit in the light, and serve to bring us forward to our becoming.  

I feel like I am about ready for that "perfect job."  However, this may be fostered out of fear re: finances, rather than being truly ready.  My job today: make some soup; care for my body; care for my home; check my finances; listen as clearly as possible; ask for what I need - not only from myself, but from Spirit as well.  Prepare for whatever may come.

Namaste.