February 11th, 2018: Eleven Days Post Being Blind-Sided

In order to get comfortable telling the story, I have to tell the story.  And it will be important for me to stick to the truth, to keep out any hint of defensiveness or ugliness on my own part.  Simply, tell the truth.

Let's try this on for size: On January 31st, my dean told me that I would be stepping down as Program Director.  I will be relieved of my duties as of

July 1st.  I was told that I could continue on as full time faculty, and I will most likely do so - although there are still some things to be worked out.  This was a good opportunity for me, and I am grateful to have had it.  My efforts now will be focused on making sure that all is in order for the new director, who has been hired and will begin this July.

This feels true.  It feels honest.  It does not feel defensive to me - but I ain't the best judge of that.  I sent it to an OT friend, stating, "Given my 'transparency deficit' I feel like I need stand-by assist and also clearance before publication.  Thoughts and feedback?"

I have finally acknowledged that this is ugly.  And I have to ask, "WTF is wrong with me that I couldn't admit that from

the get-go?  Why do I try to make nice with an ugly situation? WTF?

Part of it is that I can take a pretty hard objective, realistic look, and say this: the new person looks a lot more qualified on paper - and she looks like she would be a better fit for the Dean.  That is honest.  However - here's where it is shitty.  There is no documentation that I've done a poor job. There was not nor is there management by objectives - so there is no objective way for my work to be judged.  There was not - nor is there - any plan of correction.  There was not, nor is there support for me in developing the skills that I need. 

Nada.  Zilch.  Cipher.  As my mother would say, "Period.  end of report."  I was not given a fair chance, and was blind-sided.  Done.  Own THAT, Deborah - but don't sit in it for too long.   

And the ugliness is in the process.  I thought we were interviewing for an empty position.  It turns out, we were interviewing for a program director - or at least it seems that the dean may have been.  Giving the timing, and given the person's surprise that pediatric (rather than research) courses needed teaching, it does seem as if there were two parallel - but not entirely separate - agendas during the recruitment and search & screen process.  

Here's the other thing: this feels like right action to me. As I stated in the post preceding this one, "I thought I was led

here to teach at Mercy.  I'm finding out that I was mistaken."  While I am feeling led to stay here in NY now, my next steps are unclear. 

OK.  We all know what the standing operating procedures are when that happens: 

                                                    

      It is time to increase my practice.  I am moving forward, and some directions will be helpful.