I re-read my last post. It pretty much captured the moment. As I looked back on that time, and remembered those feelings, I can say that, yes, my words captured it - perhaps not the intensity - but accurate, for the most part.
And yesterday, I woke up, hung out for a bit, and then fell back on a ritual that got me through grad school: put on clothes, go to Rosie's Diner, have breakfast (including coffee), go to my office, crank out the work.
The coffee is an essential ingredient. The first time that I became really aware of its effects on me was in my former sister-in-law's apartment. I had stopped by to pick up her Kelly Blue Book (yes, another car crash - I had parked my car at a friend's house in St. Louis while I accompanied her on a canoe trip for able-bodied and dis-able bodied middle schoolers. Someone stole my car, took it for a joy ride, and crashed it into an electric pole - a much bigger mess than the deer incident) - hmmm…where was I?….Oh, yes, my sister-in-law's. Anyway, she had some sort of fru-fru coffee cooking (hazelnut?), and she and her brother were sitting and having coffee. She asked me if I wanted some. I didn't drink coffee at the time. I thought it tasted horrible. However, I was checking out her brother, who was looking pretty good, and so I said, "Sure! I'd love some!" I don't honestly remember how things progressed, but at some point in time, I had one of those out-of-body-awareness experiences, where I saw myself in the situation. Here's what I realized: I had been talking non-stop for about 15 minutes (it may have been shorter, but it SEEMED like 15 minutes).
And, while I continued to chatter, I thought, "Oh my god! You have been talking non-stop for a very long time!" As I was thinking this, and observing myself, I actually watched myself say, "I-have-just-become-very-aware-that-I-have-been-talking-nonstop-for-a-very-long-time-so-I-am-going-to-shut-up-now." The room became deadly silent - I mean DEADLY silent - for what was probably seconds, but felt like minutes or hours. Then, my future-sister-in-law said, "Hmm. You don't do drugs much, do you Deborah?"
In the next week or so, her brother and I met for coffee at a local shop. We chatted for a bit, and then he said, "Can I get you a cup of Joe?" I replied, "That would be great! Oh - decaf." There was a beat, and then he said, "Yeah. (another beat) I remember."
And as I write those words, I grieve for the innocence of that time, when we both believed that we could face the world and reach our dreams. What I know for me is that, while my dreams are not the same as they were then with regard to a relationship, they do not feel altered with regard to my destiny. The ending of my marriage is/was one more occurrence in my life that adds to who I am, and who I am growing into.
And that person kicked ass yesterday, and almost has a draft of her personal statement for the damned promotion completed. And speaking of that promotion: I did ask for an extension, given the events that have happened in the last few days/weeks, and I did get a couple of days, at least. Asking for that was a huge step forward for me. It was practice in supporting myself.
And here's what I've come to with regard to the promotion: it is a "self-study." Period. A time of reflection for me. Am I doing what I want to be doing? Am I teaching in the way that I want to? Am I growing in the way that I want to? I am a very process oriented person. This means that I teach to "processes" rather than "content." Evaluating "processes," such as how students think, and how they improve their thinking processes, is difficult - and, well - process oriented in itself. This means that my portfolio is
going to look different than others. I won't have pre-post tests, nor will I have great student evaluation numbers (students prefer structured content over process, along with a clear path to the "A"). I will have examples of rubrics, feedback to students, emails, and student work samples. Those will take me time to construct. HOWEVER: this portfolio is for me. It is a self-study on my own integrity and abilities. My goal is for it to reflect an accurate picture of myself and my abilities. If the powers that be do not see it worthy of promotion, it is not necessarily a reflection on me or my abilities. Rather, it is a sign - another red flag - that I am in a context where who I am and what I do is not valued. This would affirm things that I have been thinking and feeling for awhile, now. (And did you notice that the picture for the melt-down and the transformation is the same? But I digress…that's a different entry.)
Here is the more dangerous question: What does it mean if they DO promote me?
Right now? I am thinking of one of my Quaker friends who asked me, "And what will you do now that something about you has been described as normal?"
And so, another great step through the process of life. Now, off to work to prepare for another day.
Love,
Deborah
transformation image: http://wisdomoftheangels.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/SpiritualTransformation1.jpg
coffee high: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/hbD1kJhuz9Q/TpKDuyY1twI/AAAAAAAABaM/fIOWNME0WZ8/s1600/coffee+high.jpg
heart:http://www.riversideonline.com/employees/myhealthylifestyle/newsletter/images/British20Heart20Foundation_1.jpg
rosie powerful woman: http://iamapowerfulwoman.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Rosie.jpg
puzzled: http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/puzzled-man-jigsaw-pieces-25167533.jpg
