I just looked at the date on my last post. January 30th. My, my, my. February was filled with many things: a move into my own apartment; a weekend of dancing; a weekend in La Crosse; expanding work responsibilities as I grow into my new job; more...
And I can feel it. I'm not feeling as integrated or connected (both to earth and spirit) as I have been. I have noticed that this past week or two I have been spending more time at work. The work has grown in size. As I have come to know it, piece by piece, everyday something new, the enormity of it has slowly dawned. Still, I am excited at the prospect. And still, I must be careful that it does not crowd out the other growing that I need and want and feel led to do: establish new patterns of doing other than work alone.
What I am most aware of, though, is how I have become a little more distant from living in the fullness of the "middle," of what I might call the "center of the dichotomy continuum." It's that place where opposites live side by side in the fullness of what is. Energizing. Draining. Simultaneous.
I have created enough pathways that I am no longer struggling to find my way in getting what I need: food, water, sleep. I have enough few routines established that I no longer have to think about each and every step. Enough has been laid down in my neuronal networks that survival activities no longer require intimate focus. And therein lies the dilemma.
One of the offerings of an "intimate focus" is "presence." There really are no other choices except right here, right now. It's sort of like rock climbing. Or being in the presence of death. All of the static goes away except what's right in front of you as you find the supportive nitches and crannies, your body and mind synchronously and smoothly waltzing in place simultaneously with forward and upward movement. Energizing. Draining. Simultaneous.
Now, the waltz is not so smooth - nor synchronous. There has been more challenge for my brain, and less challenge for my body - and I'm not sure how to help those two find the beat. I am falling into more work habits and less play habits - which is understandable given my hectic February schedule - yet perhaps not really what I want nor what I think I was led here to do. I wrote the last time of my head and heart moving together. I forgot to include this wonderful container that houses them both - and now, as I notice its weariness and co-existing fog in my thinking - I realize that I may be unconsciously falling into some "habits of the now" that may not be so supportive in the long run. Hmmm...
Funny: I am watching myself get caught up in wanting decisions to be made. Should I paint the apartment? Should I purchase new furniture? I need to get signed up for the retirement plan. My daughter and her dear friend are coming to visit - I need another twin mattress and sheets, I need another bowl and set of eating utensils, the towels that I shipped last week (and seem to have stopped in New Jersey last Wednesday - will they ever leave?) need to arrive, it would be good to find a place for some of the things that are still lying around in my hallway and empty apartment rooms....and it goes on.
And I watch my mind fill up with these things, and am puzzled, because I have been fine without them - without the "things" and without thinking about them. I have been living without the trappings and accouterments of what most folks have for everyday living, and I have been fine. In fact, it has been like an extended camping trip in some ways. Why am I thinking I need them now?...why here?...why now? Well, in the words of my Gramma Lena, maybe I'm not supposed to know. Better, at least for me, to simply notice, accept, and listen for the next leading.
And having said that, I arrive at what, perhaps, is the root: I have spent less time listening - in listening and discernment for the "next steps pathway."
I'm smiling. Again I find myself in that sacred, precious, filled-with-grace place in the middle: where opposites meet and communicate through the conflict of their differing natures, while at the same time existing enmeshed - all part of the same big "One."
No pictures in the post today. I am torn between wanting to write for the product - to have a nicely "posted post" that has a sense of "ending," and I also want to get to Meeting this morning - still unsure of which one I want to attend.
Best thing: move forward. Walk, bathe, eat...then follow the lead.
I just saw what I wrote. I guess I'm going for a walk. Blessings on your day...blessings on mine.
