August 12th: The Things that are Not Blessings - But Probably Are Anyway

Well, well, well…here I am again.  I began this blog entry as if it were a report of where I've been for the last several days.  I just deleted about 3-4 paragraphs.  Who am I writing "to" and "for" anyway?  For me.  At least that was the idea when I began this spot.  

Doing "more of what brings me pleasure and less of what doesn't," is proving to be a very difficult practice.  My life just seems so very full - probably because it is.  The job itself has many things that need doing.  In fact, some of them needed doing last June.  They still need doing.  I don't want to do them.  I can't seem to convince my mind that, on some level, they will - or even "may" -  be pleasurable.  I could just do them…..you know, how sometimes in life you have to just do things even when you don't wanna?  Well, that is running up against the "do more of what brings me pleasure and less of what doesn't" idea.  In theory, it sounds good.  In fact, it sounds like right action - like what is essential.  My habits for many years, however, run counter to this "more pleasure" idea.  It's not that I don't want to do things that bring me pleasure.  It seems that my job, my kids, the doctoral thing - well, my life - makes demands that need meeting.

I've recently discovered the difference between my "work" and my "job."  The latter is that thing that I do for money.  The former is what I think I am supposed to be doing on this planet.  

Here's the problem:  there is so much to my job that it is interfering with my work.  Let me say that again:  there is so much to my "job" that it gets in the way of my "work," and I'm not sure what to do about that.

You see - with this LYMPHOMA thing - I'm feeling a strong pull to get down to the business of living…of engaging in the work that I came into this incarnation to do.  While I'm not completely sure of what that is, I am feeling more sure of what it is not.  And that's movement in a good direction…at least, it seems like it is.

So, does one just get THE LIST (and yes, caps are intentional) done, and then get on with the "good" stuff once the THE LIST is done?  Hardly.  The list either gets longer, or, minimally, maintains itself at a set level…just like a toilet bowl…and the comparison is not lost on me, I'm telling you.  

I read some notes from a workshop I attended on "MOVE-ing into my life (http://move-as-one.com).  I found something in the notes.  I'll do my best to get them down here - as the notebook has disappeared.  I'm struck by how some nuggets of wisdom come easily and are there when you need them, and others we have to fight to hold onto - but I digress.  Heres what I found:  Often times we move into action, driven by our thoughts.  However, thought to action - without going through the heart - can be troublesome in the long run.  It's as if we have this wonderful advisory board in the heart, that could help guide and support our head (thoughts), but we by-pass it because the action, for whatever reason, seems imperative and exigent - i.e., no heart time.  Yes.  I "get" this.  Getting THE LIST done has been the goal, and moving from one thing to the next has been a way of life.  This is what absolutely has to change in my life.  Absolutely must change……"ABSOLUTELY!" she said emphatically, and in case she didn't hear herself the first time.  

So, I sit in waiting worship  every morning with a couple of major Quaker F(f)fiends in my spiritual nurture group (waiting worship - not quite meditation, but it looks like it from the outside).  I am trying to build in "waiting and 

listening" time throughout my day.  What is my next best action?  What does my heart say?  What is my essence?  Who am I beyond what I think I am?  And how can I take better care of this "body temple" in which my wonderful spirit lives?

Wait….is this on THE LIST?  Is there time for it?  What's the next thing on THE LIST?…I'm not sure that I have time to spend on this right now…...and there's the rub.  My mind has a habit of only allowing, and then doing, things on THE LIST - which has been made up by itself.  It has not consulted my heart, or my body, about is truly essential.

Adyashanti (http://www.adyashanti.org), a teacher in the Zen Buddhist tradition, would say that the soul/sole purpose in his teachings is to "wake us up," and then to help us move forward after we have "awakened."  I am such a baby at this.  I only know that I must "wake up."  And I'm slowly moving forward in that process.  There are so many habits to change - especially in my thinking and what goes on THE LIST first - or maybe I need to move in the direction of making an uncapitalized "list…."  Maybe I prioritize "me first" on the list.

Today?  Huge insight.  I realized that I have feelings of anxiousness - and probably have had them on a regular basis.  THE LIST has kept me from noticing them and/or identifying the feelings as "anxious" - I've just gone onto the next thing, get 'er done, get 'er done, get 'er done….Quite honestly, I think the anxiety about THE LIST is going to be so much easier to work with than THE LIST, itself - at least in theory.  It can at least be a warning sign that THE LIST may be running things rather than Spirit.  Not a good sign.  THE LIST = anxiety = stress = steroids made by and in my body = food for lymphoma.  The diet has to change.

WAIT!  It's not "the list," itself (un-caps intended).  It's the way I think about THE LIST that has kept me in "driven" mode.  Anyway, "doing the list" and how I "think"

about THE LIST has kept me from taking time to recognize, see, and feel the anxiety.  It also keeps me from taking time for myself...from doing more spiritual contemplation...from exercise that I love…from allowing myself time for joy and my heart's desires...from realizing who I am and what I REALLY need to do next.  

Adyashanti might say that it's all - including my thinking - a dream, an illusion.  My dad (the forever Flat-Top) says that "Life is all a matter of establishing priorities…which are constantly changing."  Doesn't matter.  I suck at both.  My patterns of thinking - or "not" thinking - have let what is outside of me establish the priorities, without giving Spirit,  my heart, my self-care, and my spiritual nurturance a voice.  This is not to discount all that I 

have done during the last 10-plus years.  Life has truly made demands on me, and I - like the competent trooper that I am - rose to the occasion.  I don't know that I would make different decisions were I to go back in time and live it again.  AND, the time to make different decisions has begun.  Hats off to the lymphoma.  A friend today said, "It's sort of like an unwanted blessing.  "Blessing" - agreed.  "Not wanted" - sort of agreed.  Something needed to catch my attention.  

My out-laws have another name for it: AFGO.  This is an abbreviation for "Another F**king Growth Opportunity."  On my best days, the "L" is truly a blessing - truly.  On my worst days, it is an AFGO.  On my really worst days, I lounge around in the Pity Room - and, truth be known - some of the best healing I can give myself happens in the Pity Room.  You see, it starts out as "Woe is Me," but transforms into empathy for myself, forgiveness for myself, love for myself.  My loving inner parent begins crooning to me.  "You poor, poor girl.  Let me hold you…cry your eyes out…yes, life sucks right now…it's damn horrible…I know you feel pissy and you hate people right now…and you can't feel any of the love that anyone has for you…yes, nobody loves you, everybody hates you, and you want to eat worms - although I wouldn't advise it.  Give it some time - but right now, let it out, girlfriend…just let it out," and on and on and on.   Pretty soon, I'm feeling much better.  I'm sorry.  Please forgive me.  I love you.  Thank you.  And, at some point in the process, I feel loved again.

I would love it if someone could stand to sit with me during that entire process - but it can be difficult.  When one is a witness, one wants to do something - anything - to stop the hurting for the person one witnesses.  Lord knows sometimes I can barely stand to be with myself in that space.  However,  there is always movement - at least in my life.  It may not be in the time frame that is on "THE LIST," but it truly does pass. 

Bearing witness to such movement without trying to fix anything or sharing wise maxims, is one of the most grace-filled and helpful gifts one might ever give.  And if there is no one around to give this sort of gift to you, you can pay people to do it:  massage therapists, acupuncturists, therapists - you name it.  These days, I seem to be finding it easier to pay someone to sit with me than I do to sit with myself - I simply have no energy when I'm in the Pity Room.  This is a good sign, I think: Spending money on myself in this manner is a great, great gift to myself…no doubt about it.  And, in their kind actions toward me, they provide role modeling for what I need to give myself: slowing down and bearing witness to myself. That's the hardest part - giving to myself what I would lovingly, freely, and abundantly give to others.  It's just not on THE LIST.


Tonight, I have clean sheets on my bed, but I think I may go pitch the tent in the back yard.  I've not been outside as much as I would like - and this blasted new "anterior tibialis tendon inflammation" is preventing me from running and hiking.  Sooooo - maybe I'll take my hammock out to Goose Island in the next few days and just tie it to a couple of trees and read.  And just when I had gotten the exercise habit started…dammit.

Maybe some other day I will share all of the blessings that happened in the last few weeks - Performing (with 230 plus women in a premier concert hall) a song I composed… camping with my niece, Ali, on an island affectionately known as "The Rock," and feeling like, maybe, after all, I do belong in my family...spending time with my mother-out-law, Sandra... - but there will be none of that now.  Not tonight.  No Moleste.  As Tig might say, if you want some of that you'll have to try a couple of doors down.




Images

Balance Guy:  https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqpts7-QkC6prmWI8QLR536BpqfKD01OSwh8vD__3MEdXq7gAjJkJaFFpDS14QoNkeKL5fcA7WPVbWnGa6kmMiAds0TwZrrj1GO_H6dzuhyphenhyphenu2XU6SIElITB5sWRQjMn0ehNv9IJxYE15g/s320/433759-Royalty-Free-RF-Clipart-Illustration-Of-A-Stick-Businessman-Standing-On-An-Unbalanced-Scale.jpg

Dollar Sign: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_yQ87EsfWw2kHEnqk2eNAd06jekXX7yu7tDUx4Dl72KfzKni-YF-7OMg_fCg8LQZJgBipwUL9sWQaSagpqoRwq_kcEX3Drvlj2wS-1Oc-44ZNauL91h9OhE1_9CjRXymOC2SxIVz0cTQ/s1600/Dollar_Sign_web.jpg

woman pushing puzzle piece: http://www.3dcart.com/images/3du/Amazon-Shopping-Cart-Order-Fulfillment.jpg

Woman with many arms: http://s3.amazonaws.com/thumbnails.illustrationsource.com/huge.8.44714.JPG

Waiting Worship: http://blogs.courant.com/photo/20110617Quakers001980.jpg

Adyashanti: http://www.adyashanti.org/images/home_pic.gif

dead horse: http://img.sparknotes.com/content/sparklife/sparktalk/auntie052713deadhorse_LargeWide.png

bird: http://img.sparknotes.com/content/sparklife/sparktalk/auntie052713deadhorse_LargeWide.png

wave: http://www.human-inquiry.com/JPwavesblue1.jpg

hammock: http://www.urbangeneralstore.com/shop/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/3/2/3227_mermaids_card_2.jpg