November 12th: 3:43 in the Morning…Oy

Well…I got the word yesterday, and what I thought would happen did indeed happen: the manner in which I wrote my promotion narrative was overwhelming to the readers…too dense…margins too small…evidence of process with no outcomes…my department would put my name forward for promotion, but the teaching section of my narrative needs work before they will do so.  

I do not feel devastated.  I know that I'm doing good work.  I know that all of the feedback was accurate.  I know that they will not put forth a portfolio that they do not believe will be successful.  Basically, my writing style and the way I approached this

"promotion undertaking" is unfamiliar, and, let's face it, may not be understood by others across campus if my own department cannot understand it.   

Any or all of the following may be possible:  1) too much process, and not enough outcomes; and/or, 2) my process spoke so loudly that the outcomes were not visible to the readers; and/or, 3) we are speaking different languages.  

The next question is this:  do I want to change it and have the revised version posted by November 24th?  I don't know.  I don't know if it is worth it.  I am falling behind in my teaching, and the students are getting short-changed.  This means that I'm not supporting what I value, and, instead, am trying to engage and be

successful in a process that I don't value.  

Let me be clear: I could give a rat's ass about the "full professor" title - I simply need the money.    



Common sense seems to dictate that I need a different job.

There are all sorts of pros and cons to this.  If money is an issue, then here is the bottom line:  my national organization tells me that the mean salary for someone like me is 10 grand more a year than what I am presently making.  The La Crosse school district salary schedule for a clinician in the schools is about that.  Even with the re-write, and the possible promotion, I will only be getting half that.  I guess it comes down to which is more preferable: putting together a vitae/job portfolio, or re-writing the damn narrative?  It seems like the former might be more fun…at least the prospects seem a little brighter.

There is a piece of me that is thinking:  we have a fantastic group of students right now, from the first year cohort to the 3rd year cohort that will graduate this December.  Perhaps it's best to exit while the leaving is good.  

What I know is this:  my teaching has suffered as I have worked many hours of overtime in order to write this narrative.  My goal of self-study has been reached: I am teaching like I want to be teaching.  Is it perfect?  Nope.  

Are all of my lessons in the best order?  Nope.  I know, however, that I am connecting the student learning objectives with assignments, and that the assessment measures I have in place are, in fact, showing me that students are attaining the objectives.  I know that I am making a difference.  My "self-study" during this promotion process has shown me that.  Am I writing  it in the way that my colleagues understand?  Nope.  How important is that?  Important if I want more money - otherwise, not so important.  

It really seems that, if I am in this for the money, then I can take my skills elsewhere…whether it be clinical or academic.  

I'm not getting the leading that I should rush out of here…I am getting the leading, however, that I am growing closer and closer to the time for leaving…that I should be gathering myself…that I need to listen to my body, listen to Spirit, and listen for directions as to my next steps, the first of which will be a decision as to whether or not I need to re-do the teaching portion of my narrative.

I know that I look deeply at things.  Perhaps what is needed is less depth.  Not everyone examines things to the depth that I do.  This feedback came from someone I respect who has seen my committee work…my writing could be less detailed.  
So, what might this look like in relation to my teaching narrative?  I don't know, right now.  Perhaps I'll find out if I choose to revise it.  

Oy, I hope that I can sleep a little bit.  
My body is tired.  It feels worn out, and needs rest. 
Perhaps my spirit, too. 

Dear Spirit…help me see true.  

Help me address those things that will support me in my life's work on this planet, and in this incarnation.  

May I release those things that hinder my moving forward.  

May I hear your voice plainly. 

May my path be clear. 

May my next steps be sure, direct, and ever toward the Light.  Amen.

  
square peg in round hole: http://centurymanagement.ie/wp-content/uploads/square-peg-round-hole.jpg
rat's ass card:  http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/aee03b7ed4dcb2a88aae7303d765ac28.png
standing tall: http://westoop.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/orangestickman.jpg