Fb was an inappropriate venue for spending time with myself. I was led here. I may be as surprised as you that I'm here - that is, if you are the surprise-able type. Know that the archives are in chronological order, with most recent posts at the bottom. The readings are the opposite, with the most recent posts at the top. Things may be more clear if you begin at the beginning. But then, why follow convention…do as you please. That's a habit which I'm trying to cultivate even more.
On January 31st, I was told by my Dean that I would no longer be the Program Director as of August 1st, and that I would be paid through August 31st. At that time, I am welcome to continue on as faculty, teaching the pediatric coursework.
There. That is the truth of the matter. That was the first thing she said to me when I went to meet with her last
Wednesday. When I asked her if she wanted to chat about
the questions I had brought with me, her answer was "If you want to." Very non-committal. She evaded answers, replying that the answers to some of the questions I was asking would depend on what I was going to do. Her answers to other questions I asked leads me to believe that there is little support for me there - and, as I reflect, there probably has never been.
Let's be honest. Let's be candid. When I review my most recent posts, I began questioning whether or not I could do this job last summer. In October, there was a shift. I have have openly stated, "since October, I have felt like someone was 'gunning' for me."
Because I am who I am, i.e., someone who is very reflective and perhaps who indulges herself with taking more responsibility than what is actually her own, my first
strategy was to work harder. As I slowly came to realize that there was not going to be a "win" for me in this situation, I started wondering if it was wise for me to continue in this position - asking myself, "Do you really want to keep doing this job?" I wasn't so sure. My plan was to give it six months, and I told the Dean as much last December. The Dean "called time" 5 months early this past Wednesday.
Since the incident, I have been sitting with the multitude of feelings that come with something like this - you know the
biggies: feelings of being a failure; wondering what people would think; anger that I could not move forward with changes I was beginning; and more. What is interesting, though, is that I don't seem to be sitting with "those" feelings very long. As I look back over my 2 years here, I realize how very little support I have been given. In some ways, I was set up and used - perhaps unwittingly - but set up, none-the-less. Saying that there was no way I was going to "win" is a "kind way" to say that I was "set up to fail." This realization has been coming for several months - and it seems doubly evident (can something be "doubly" evident?) as I read over my last few entries.
I am also realizing that I'm not feeling afraid....well, a little nervous...anxious...but it's not all fear. I now have
permission to ask this question: Deborah, what do you want to do for the next three years? What are your goals? What do you want to be doing? And while I am asking that question, I am going to get paid. :-) Not so shabby.
Let's be honest - again. This job has been good to me and for me. It got me here to NY. It allowed me to pay off the nastiest educational loans my daughter had to take out, and has
helped me support my son in purchasing a vehicle. It brought me to a place that fits with my active "hiker/camper" lifestyle, yet is still "chock-full" of art, music, and intellectual discussions. I have been happy here, and, even in the midst of this, remain happy. Currently, this job is giving my daughter free tuition for this semester and the summer - and, if I choose to continue as a faculty for pediatric courses, my daughter will continue to have free tuition. There is so much for which to be grateful. I am such a Lucky duck!!!
The Dean actually used words that I have used very often: "The match is not good." I believe that this is true. I am a
good match for Mercy, and I am a good match for the students - but the match between my dean and myself is poor, and the match between the program and how I work is also poor. It is an "ill-fit" at best. And it does neither of us any good to move forward without that
acknowledgement. Now, as I reflect, I wonder if she needs someone she can mentor in her likeness. That is not me - nor will it ever be. She needs someone younger than me - or perhaps someone with fewer of his/her own ideas - or perhaps someone more moldable. Again - not me. Ill-matched, she and me.
And, if I am honest, I am not truly being of service to anyone or anything except the students. The rest of what I do fills the needs of a somewhat ill-functioning program that requires way too much from its faculty for it to be sustainable. I came to Mercy, and then became and am doing what the "system" required of me. I am not feeling like I am being of service in the fullest sense of the word. This job, right here and now, is not my calling. That feels clear. My dean's story is not my story, and it's almost as if I have been "plucked by Spirit" from a situation where I could easily become a player in a story that is not my own.
And speaking of callings, it is a hard choice for me on Sundays - going to worship or going hiking. I have need of the movement, and I have need of the stillness. And although I have not been regularly sitting, I am still very clear that Spirit led me here. Now I find myself saying to Spirit, "Ok. You got me here. Now - what was it you are leading me to do? It is obviously not Mercy....the joke's on me! You got me! I'm listening!"
Already, I am feeling the lightness of being able to open myself up to what might be around the bend, and to
explore how I might be of service with my skills and these few years I have left on this planet. My friend last night said, "Deborah - you need to change all your passwords to "What do I want? What are my goals for 2018?" so that every time I type in a password, I focus on what is needed. I don't know about the "password thing," but I do know that she is right. This is now my focus: not my job; rather, my next destination.
What a concept, yes? To think that I had reached a destiny, and then find out that I was mistaken - that there is potential for things to get even better - that I can live here and do work that shares an equal exchange of energy, rather than doing work that is sucking me dry. What a concept!!!
