March 31, 2019: Memories Made and Yet to Come

I have tried to reduce Fb use during this Lenten season - giving up something even though I am not a practicing Catholic.  I've limited myself to posting for birthdays, and a few "Likes" and "Loves" of loved ones.  Today, this Fb "memory" was posted.  It was from 7 years ago. 

"...did a little stretching, a 30 minute walk/run, a quick skim of the morning paper, and then breakfast at my favorite breakfast diner - Rosie's. When I got home, I tackled a week's worth of dishes, cleaned off a pantry shelf, and one drawer under the sink. Then I danced my ass off to two of my favorite songs on my Rocky Maffit CD.
      My life is like one of those puzzles with 15 numbered small squares and one empty space. I am imagining moving the furniture and space in my tiny house to match the shifts of energy that are pulsating through my life. One move cannot be made without affecting all of the other pieces.

 

      Sort of like life, yes? A celebration of connectedness as we shuffle through, relying on sudden moments of clarity to help us settle the remaining when one of the pieces in our world moves.
      The time to let go is now. The time to welcome the new is now. The time for embracing myself as human and divine was yesterday. But it's not too late. Today I'm climbing on the train and catching the ride. Wanna come?"

Whoa.   

Sometimes, I amaze myself.  

Those words...they came out of me?  

"The time to let go is now.  The time to welcome the new is now.  The time for embracing myself as human and divine was yesterday.  But it's not too late.  Today I'm climbing on the train and catching the ride." 

"Is it too late now?" I hear a small voice inside me ask.   

I could almost cry.   

A good friend - and the conversation we had this morning - helped me to an "aha moment."  I have been categorizing my next step for work into dichotomies.  Do I follow my head (and go with money over living in a place that I love), or go with heart (and go with living in a place I love, but perhaps be at risk financially)?  It has been "academics" or "clinical work."  Or perhaps "money" versus "location."  Or even "work" versus "job."  Or "work" versus "fun."  Somehow, in my humanness, my brain moves toward dichotomies.  It is much easier when the choices are "black" or "white" - even if the choices are "navy blue" or "violet blue."  It comes to only two choices.  Whether they lie at opposite ends or even next to each other on the continuum - no matter - my human brain moves choices that are infinite in number, to "2."  

Perhaps a better question to ask is this: What would it look like if all needs were met - a job that fits me and my gifts, that was also in a place that I love, and that also allowed a balance of life that supports health?  And might that place be where I could continue to grow spiritually?  And maybe the last question prior is really the first question:  Where might I continue to grow spiritually?  And that leads to the next question: "What does my spirit need right now?"  You see, I think that might be the biggest question that Spirit is leading me towards.   

I have some ideas about educating students and creating a workplace - ideas to which I've been led, I might add...ideas that have been dropped into my consciousness.  Where might be the place where they can be nurtured - and where I might be nurtured spiritually and physically as I nurture them?  

I am close to retirement.  Even as my voice fades and cracks, there is a piece of me yearning to sing and to make music with others...to build community - and perhaps, if not through music, then through other means.  

So, as I move forward, finding that match between what I want to do, what I think I can do - and what will nurture both of those things - seems so important.  There is a piece of me yearning to play, and a piece of me yearning to bring some of my ideas into physical manifestation.  And see there?  I've done it again.  Is there any reason why those two things - playing and working - cannot co-exist?

And when I am honest, there is this: a reluctance to grow up.  No - that's not accurate.  I have "grown-up" in too many ways.  Perhaps - better stated - it's a reluctance to do the work that seems to need doing.  It feels paramount and overwhelming..."I don't know if I can do it!  Do I really want to work that hard at this point in my life?  Can't I simply just begin to fade into obliviousness and retirement?"  So maybe, the honest statement is that I have had to be grown up in so many ways my whole life, that I now want to be done with responsibility.  Or, if I have to deal with responsibility, then I really want space in my life to be playful.  I have not felt playful in a really, really long time.  There is a reluctance to move towards responsibility without a balance of play.  

And even with this time off, I have done things that filled me - but I have missed the intimacy that is present with playfulness.  Without playfulness, life just feels so fucking heavy.  

And, of course, a position with money would support that.  Financial security allows for a certain amount of playfulness...approaching life knowing that I have a place to eat and sleep and, well - "play."  Life feels and seems lighter when I don't have to worry about money.  

And perhaps, there is a perfect position that can encompass all of this: money, challenge, fun, play.  It would allow my wisdom to be used in service, and still allow for laughter.  And wouldn't embracing my divine gifts, and then being willing to share them, be one step toward that vision?

"Embracing myself as human and Divine..."

How in the hell do I do that?