March 27, 2016: Journey to the Center of the - well, WHAT?!?

This is one of the strangest feelings I have felt.  This feeling like I need to cry - but having such a hard time getting to the tears because all seems to be so well.

So - what to do?  I took myself into the city yesterday - on my way there I saw this: tulip trees seem to be the rage

 here.  They are everywhere.  Even when the sun is hiding and the weather is more gray, they are still gorgeous.  And then - onto the the Metro North, which actually, would take me south into the city.

 
First stop:  Daddy Long Legs (off-Broadway).  My daughter had recommended it. She cried during the whole first act, she said.  And it was sweet...one of the sweetest

productions I have ever seen - and there were a few points where I cried - well, even sobbed - but had to do so very, very quietly.  There I sat, with my belly heaving in and out, and shoulders jostling up and down, and not a sound coming out of me.  And I cried for the transformation of both of the characters - and for the message of the importance of living in the now.  Innocence and faith.  A good start - but such a long way to go.  

After the show I went to a Cuban Diner that a friend had taken me to previously - Coppelia - and it was very, very good.  Salmon with purple mashed potatoes and mango salsa - and a bourban pecan chocolate tart with whipped cream.  Perfect for stoking up before the contra dance.  

The dance was fun.  There were a few others there who were willing to play with me (e.g., a birdman face during a

gypsy - and one other who actually dipped me and held me there rather than doing a courtesy turn - both quite fun!).  Then - just like Cinderella - I needed to leave the dance, change from my skirt to pants, and skedaddle to the subway so that I could catch the 11:20pm Metro North back to Tarrytown.  Well....I guess it wasn't exactly like Cinderella since the wardrobe change didn't happen automatically - and guaranteed, a subway is not a pumpkin.  The ride home was a ride - but as I walked home from the train station, I was met with the most glorious sight at the village library.

I am calling it "Daffodils by Streetlamp."  I had to turn off the flash to get the picture right.  Somehow it seemed so right that I started and ended my day with pictures of flowers.   

So - again - hard to cry when there is beauty all around me...people willing to play...good food...and I have the good fortune to be able to afford trips to the city and theater and contra dances and going out to eat.  It is amazing, really...with flowers to boot.

Today - a new Quaker Meeting across the bridge - again, its own strengths and weaknesses - and again, nice people.  I did feel a little more able to talk about "real" things.  I could say to someone, "I feel very good, yet still feel a need to cry.  I'm aware that I need to figure something out - how to tend to it."  Someone else said, "Yes - if we don't get it out, then it takes residence in our body."  So - I felt understood by two women.  I don't think I would take a risk saying something like that at some of the other meetings I've been to....just not sure. 

After the meeting, I drove a long way in search of Hook Mountain.  At one point, the Siri voice in my GPS told me to park my car as I would have to walk to my destination.  I finally found it - there was a wonderful river walk there - and a trail that went up to an upper picnic area.  Off of that trail there was a side trail that ended in a wonderful

 almost closed area with trees and rocks - and, of course 

the pre-
requisite beer cans and broken bottles around a fire pit.  I cleaned it up as best as I could using two plastic grocery bags that I found there as well.  The fact that I felt sick about it - like the place had been defiled - like someone had shit in the temple - let me know that I'm getting to where I want to be - even if I'm not crying yet.

There was also a long walk along the Hudson River - the River Trail...lots of families out having food and fun time at picnic tables that were scattered along the way.

Now, I am back home, listening to a mix of music from the tail end of Bones episodes that my daughter made me.  All of those songs are touching me deeply - and still no tears.  Vexing, it is.   

And things to do...I did get laundry done before I left for my Easter Saturday Adventures this 2016.  And I have to start bickering with insurance companies, as the new doctor I am establishing with does not seem acceptable to my insurance company - or maybe the diagnosis that was put on the form is not acceptable - who knows?  Dealing with that - doing my taxes - getting my car registered with the state of New York - getting Maya's Financial Aid form filled out after I get the taxes done - getting a budget planned - figuring out if I will move over Labor Day or the 4th of July - and so many things at work, too.  No wonder I'm in my head - no wonder it's hard to get to those tears.

And I notice that my mom's birthday is tomorrow....let me say that again....I notice that my mom's birthday is tomorrow....and maybe that's where I need to sit for awhile....sitting with her absence.  Even after all these years (what's it been - almost 30?), her absence still has the ability to stun me.