Whoa. I am amazed at how easily I can sabotage myself. I just read my last post…the one about the "Ruh-Roh." The one about how I have underlying negative thoughts. The one about my wonderful analytical mind - and the importance of shutting it down on a regular basis so that I can "be" more in the present, with Spirit, with Earth.
Here's what I've done instead: continued to work like a fool in order to get posters ready for a national conference, and attend that conference; get my doctoral work submitted for publication; sent out 6 vitaes, phone interviewed twice, in-person interviewed once, with another phone interview this week; continued to teach, with all quizzes and papers graded and entered; began work on a new course for this spring; get %!&#$ shit done for the %#!$% self-study. I have done some sitting; I have done some yoga; I have had a massage appointment or two - and maybe one or two acupuncture treatments; I have fretted; I have eaten more wheat and ice cream and chocolate and candy and alcohol in the last few months than I have in the last two years.
As I look at that list, I think I am understanding why the diet, low exercise and alcohol have taken a larger role. My analytical mind would say that it's the negative thoughts. I'm glad that I've got a little bit more perspective than my negative thoughts.
This morning I woke up, remembering two different dreams. The first involved a mouse that, when I noticed it, dove into a hole. The second was essentially the same thing, except it was a lizard-like thing. It was black, and it was in the silverware drawer. It darted from one place to another as I moved silverware and utensils to get my weary eyes on it. It finally dove down into a small hole which appeared out of nowhere in one of the utensil partitions. It was frantic. I just wanted to look at it - I was curious. It had two lateral bumps in its body, like a sideways camel, or a child with prune belly syndrome - but with two bellies. It would not allow my curiosity to be resolved. It was scared, and dove down the hole.
I couldn't find much on the web about mice or lizards, other than that there may be a part of myself I am denying. The idea of jumping into and/or hiding in a hole seems to match well with that idea. Perhaps there is a piece of myself that I am denying; perhaps I am afraid of something. And that seems to go with the baby eagle "bit" that I've written about before. Something is strong in me, and it needs nurturing. I am afraid to grow into it. Into parts of myself? I don't know, but there is something that rings true in those statements. Some threshing and seasoning of those thoughts may be needed.
So, I will say it here. Spirit, I am willing. Show me how. Help my eyes see, my heart feel, and my body act. Show me the negative, so that I can meet it, respect it, counteract it, and let it go.
