Fb was an inappropriate venue for spending time with myself. I was led here. I may be as surprised as you that I'm here - that is, if you are the surprise-able type. Know that the archives are in chronological order, with most recent posts at the bottom. The readings are the opposite, with the most recent posts at the top. Things may be more clear if you begin at the beginning. But then, why follow convention…do as you please. That's a habit which I'm trying to cultivate even more.
Early on, there were only three of us. Then we gladly added a fourth. We have agreed to "nurture" each other "spiritually." We live in different towns, in two different states. Google Maps tells me that if I drove in a circle from one house to the next, to the next, to the next, and back home, it would take me 2 hours and 37 minutes to travel the 127 miles. That doesn't count the visiting. When we have the time to meet in person, we do so - sometimes at my centrally located house. We started a grand experiment some weeks back: We are meeting virtually for an hour on Sunday mornings, at 8 am. Although we were initially resistant, we are finding that it is a good thing.
I realized this morning, as I sat down to wait in silence with these F(f)fiends, that they have become my tribe, and that I rely on them in a way that I couldn't have imagined. I'm realizing that relying on others is something that I'm still learning. My path so far has given me many gifts, one of which is self-reliance - and many of my experiences would never have happened had I not been alone and/or relying on myself. One of my most favorite encounters was with a woman in Florence, Italy, at the end of a day. As I sat on the edge of a grocer's stoop, I ate my supper of bread, cheese, and beer, and watched the vendors at a flea market pack up their wares. Out of
nowhere came this older woman, wearing a longish, colorful skirt, smiling, and talking to me as if she thought I understood what she was saying. She wore glasses. Her brown hair was graying. She never stopped talking, and I finally realized what she was telling me: I should not be feeding my newly bought, fresh bread to the pigeons; instead, I needed to cross the street, take the old bread that the shop keeper had thrown out, and feed THAT to the birds. She proceeded to do just that, the whole time laughing to me and talking, and me smiling and nodding and waving back to her. At one point, she twinkled her eyes at me and said what I think was the Italian equivalent of "Watch this!" She turned up the street, and threw out bits of bread until all of the pigeons were in front of her. Then, she slyly turned her back on them and looked down the street in the opposite direction, and threw out a handful of bread bits. We both howled and whooped as she was suddenly engulfed in a cloud of flying pigeons rushing around to her other side to eat the bread she had thrown. We both laughed! It was wonderful! After she ran out of bread, she waved me goodbye, and was on her way. That encounter was so genuine, that I was approached by someone shortly after she left, who spoke to me in rapid Italian. I smiled and said, "No capisce." "Ah," he replied in English. "But you were speaking with the woman…" Yes, I was - but not in any language that has words in it. That is the kind of up-close encounter that I love, that feeds me, and which usually is hard pressed to find a home in a group setting.
Now, it grows close to the culmination of my 59th year on this planet - which means that I am beginning my 60th. One of the things I am understanding is that my self-reliance has brought me here in good steed and with many gifts, - and that very little practice in asking for and receiving gifts (from others who are a more regular part of my life than a chance encounter in a flea market), has come with it. As wonderful and untradeable as my moments have been, I am feeling a leading towards learning about "connection," and what that means. And in that connection, there is the implicit - yet not widely discussed - idea of showing up for one's self, connecting with one's self, as well. "Time for lessons in connection," a voice is saying. "Radical acceptance, self-care and love, beginning with you." I think it's about showing up for myself in ways that I have not yet learned to - and doing so within a community. There is also something about boundaries - about expecting my community to be there, and trusting that it will be there. I think it's also about accepting and receiving nourishment from others as part of a deepening connection. Scary? Yes. Disappointments? Possibly. Risky? Without a doubt - at least for me. However, I've not balked at these sorts of life lessons before, nor am I now. I am just a "get 'er done" kind of gal. You see, with the self-reliance came a sizable portion of tenacity - another good quality. And, as I write that last word - "tenacity" - I am wondering if it serves me well in this situation. Perhaps a better word might be "melting." Melting into what is? Melting into who I am, warts, lymphoma, miracles, and all…letting go of all things that are unnecessary to my continuing evolution, and embracing all manner of things that will support it. Perhaps tenaciously melting? Christians might say "Seek ye first the kingdom of God" or "Ask, and ye shall receive." Zen Buddhists might say "Leap and the net will appear." Scarlet O'Hara might say "I'll think about it tomorrow, for tomorrow is another day." Some Hawaiians might say, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you for bringing this to me." The wicked witch of the west might say "Surrender Dorothy." Yep. All of the above.
This morning, during our time together, I found myself asking my spiritual nurture buddies to consider meeting on a more regular basis than Sunday mornings only. Might there be a way - for some of us or all of us - to meet for 10 or 15 minutes or more a day? And, then, from one of my homies: "I had a query for us that I was going to ask: What do we need to continue our spiritual growth? Deborah, it seems like you have already answered it." So, someone was already asking the question, and I "heard" it - and answered it - even before the question was put into its physical form so that all of our "ears" could actually, physically, hear it. That's some profound spiritual shit - some "capisce" on a different level. And I was in a group - not a flea market. Hm. Connection, indeed.
Melt away, Deborah…melt away.
There is a meditation I have learned that uses roses to energetically cleanse one's body. Roses seemed like good things to have with this post. For more on the woman from whom I learned the rose meditation, see http://sarahentrup.com
Red Rose: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/51/Small_Red_Rose.JPG Woman feeding birds: http://www.enpi-info.eu/album/gallery324/Old%20woman%20feeding%20pigeons_thumb.jpg Yellow Rose: http://www.zeehd.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/yellow-rose-images-1.jpg Green Rose: http://www.hdwallpapersinn.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Green-Rose-Wallpaper-HD-Free.jpg Blue Rose: http://www.hdwallpapersinn.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Blue-Rose-Wallpapers-HD.jpg
Early on, there were only three of us. Then we gladly added a fourth. We have agreed to "nurture" each other "spiritually." We live in different towns, in two different states. Google Maps tells me that if I drove in a circle from one house to the next, to the next, to the next, and back home, it would take me 2 hours and 37 minutes to travel the 127 miles. That doesn't count the visiting. When we have the time to meet in person, we do so - sometimes at my centrally located house. We started a grand experiment some weeks back: We are meeting virtually for an hour on Sunday mornings, at 8 am. Although we were initially resistant, we are finding that it is a good thing.
