Whew…not even sure where to begin. What a stuck Lucky Duck I am. I am realizing that I am petrified of moving forward - into what, I don't even know. There have been so many years of me feeling less than, that it has become more a part of me than I care to realize. Where did that confident person go? She got lost in the years at this job…of feeling less than…of not measuring up to the culture...So, I guess, fear of moving forward because I feel so less than what I did when I first took this job. Yes. I have grown into "less than" over the years, and, for some reason, it is converging this evening. And you know…this just can't be good for the lymphoma.
The job interview I did this summer was a good thing. It helped me see the qualities that I have. And even as I write, I can feel my chest tighten…my throat tighten…my eyes feel tired…my stomach feels hollow…and as Pema Chodrin will say…."feel it…breathe into it…compassionate being with yourself."
The timing of AFGO's is really not under my purview. "AFGO's?" you ask. "Another Fucking Growth Opportunity," I answer. "An acronym from my dear ex-in-law's." And so I find myself in another AFGO - always welcome…not always pleasant, and yet, I would not trade them.
And so I sit here…and feel my tight chest…my tight throat…my hot tears…my tired and hungry body. I want wine, and decide against it. Not good to numb this stuff. I keep yawning - "release," one of my former therapists would call it.
And I remember tapping…and so I tap. What comes up is fear. Fear of stepping into who I am. Fear of stepping into my destiny. Fear of being unable to pull my promotion packet together. Fear of not getting the promotion after all of the work of putting together the packet. Fear, sobbing, crying, breathing heavy, more fear, more fright, more sobbing…and then it slowly quiets…and then I sit in meditation.
And I'm worried about the semester. I started out very well: organized; good preparation; good lessons. I feel them all slipping away, as I attempt to juggle everything that is on my plate. Hitting the deer and totaling my car put was a challenge - but seemed doable. It was just another thing - a part of life. But then, the earlier than anticipated deadline for the promotion packet ramped things up…not being able to get a refund from the hotel (I didn't cancel because - well - I killed a deer with my car instead) pissed me off. The technology in my classroom fucking up every single time since last week - for three straight class periods - added to the load. And then my daughter's father deciding at the last minute to leave town for the weekend - when my daughter has some larger transportation needs, and I have to get a promotion packet together…
Let's just say that things added up exponentially, and leave it at that.
Jesus - is it any wonder that I'm tapping my li'l heart out? Life is sending me some pretty big lemons - and the worst part is that it is taking my other ingredients AND the time I need to make lemonade. I've just got one, big, sour, fucking mess.
So how do I move forward? I guess I just do it. Ask for help…sit quietly and listen for Spirit…remember that my helpers are near, and will help if I only ask, and then receive their offerings.
I am so tired, now. I always am after a good cry, and/or some sort of catharsis. I am glad to have the house to myself this evening.
The thought has entered my mind more than once: is the clinical job in Winona schools gone? Has someone taken it? Is that my next step forward? I don't think that it is - but it might be.
This is probably one of the most - if not the most - disorganized pieces of writing that I've posted. Right now, though, I don't give a shit. It is out of me - and that is the first step. What seems most important now is that I eat, as I am suddenly noticing that I am hungry. I'm going to make some eggs and then take a bath and go to bed. Nourishing myself as if I were a small child seems important right now. Hmmmm…maybe a protein smoothie with those wonderful sour Door County cherries is even a better idea. Ice cream would be even better. Maybe I've got some yogurt in there, and I could mix it with those montmorency cherries…yum. That would be pretty damn good - and even better if I ate them in a hot bath.
My body has calmed. I am still feeling tight in my chest, but my stomach does not feel as hollow. My throat still feels tight. When I imagined myself going to Perkin's to eat, it brought tears to my eyes - again. So I'll eat here at home. Frozen waffles and eggs. Comfort food.
Ahhhhh…..could this be a healing crisis with my new homeopathic remedy? If so, I think I'm ready for it to stop. I need a breather.
Love. Food. Prayer. Sleep. Some of the best remedies I know. They are good for me, and what's good for me will help heal the lymphoma, I'll bet. And that includes this li'l ole breakdown this evening.
G'Night.
