Knowing that those we love are hurting is most unpleasant. There is not a lot we can say, nor is there much we can do. Seeing their loneliness is even harder. It breaks my heart. I know nothing if not this: I can't fix it. I can't make it different by being a better person, by making sure to dot all of my "i's" and cross my "t's." I can only sit and witness, and hold them - and myself - in the Light.
Not much sleep last night. Yesterday and last night was one of those days and nights where I needed to sleep...to simply "be" and not "do" anything. My brain is tired. I was nodding off around 6:30 but still continued to watch the rest of "13 Reasons Why." Omigoodness. Sick to my stomach over it. I knew I would be - but I didn't know my stomach would feel this badly. When my daughter texted at 11:30pm and asked if I was up - I was worried. I was almost asleep, but woke myself to chat with her. Then, I could not settle into sleep. I tossed and turned all night.
Today, readings are about practicing meditation, and choosing the path we follow in relation to feelings. The easy answers were "practice" and "choice" respectively. I think what it is interesting to me is that before either of these happen for me, I have to connect to Spirit. Yet the feelings and thinkings in this human form can function to make that connection harder to find and keep. Such a funny thing, really...a choice to experience this human form can make it more difficult for us to connect with Spirit in which we were dwelling before we made the choice to leave and experience the human form.
And I thought of what we must experience while we are still in the womb. Are we not connected to something much bigger than ourselves? And to which we are connected to for sustenance? And leaving that place - omigoodness! - is that our first true grief? And then feeling the human touch after that physiological connection has been broken - is that our first true memory of relief?
And - are all leavings that way - moving from a place of familiarity to a place that feels strange and so different - so unconnected? This will take more thought than what this tired, old human form can support right now. It needs more than the 3-4 hours of sleep it received this past night.
Today, it will be doubly important to sink into the Seed of Spirit...to listen for what Spirit has to say, and lean into the leadings it offers, so that my wheels don't make ruts from their spinning.
