August 28: Taking It In and Protection from Onslaught

Interesting.   On Tuesday, I was feeling pretty good.  After my work day yesterday, I was feeling not so good.  As I reflected on what had happened, I realized that I had not protected myself psychically from the onslaught of work with all of its energy, walls, and dead ends.  Shall we talk about a few of the good things first?

I was at the Great River Folk Festival in La Crosse, WI, where folk music is celebrated and artists show and sell 

their creations.  Several years ago, I had seen a wooden music stand that was beautiful - and I wanted one.  It was too expensive for me at the time.  However, this year, someone had given me a monetary gift in celebration of my birthday and the attainment of my clinical doctoral degree and my birthday.  I had enough to get the music stand - if the vendor/artist was there.

He was there.  There were two styles of stands - one was $190 and the other was $160.  Both were gorgeous.  I went with the $160 one - graceful lines and curves - and would suit my needs.  I took it back to the music tent and sat down.  As I settled into waiting for the next musical act, I realized that I was feeling uneasy.  I continued to sit with this "unease," and finally realized the cause: I had not purchased the music stand that I truly wanted, because of the extra $30 in price.  The one I wanted was even MORE beautiful, with even MORE graceful lines.  Even as the

music holder was raised, it curved up toward me, as if reaching out to help me see the music better.  Short story:  I went back to the booth, traded in what I had just purchased for one that I TRULY wanted, paid the extra $30, and went back to the music tent with my new music stand.  The uneasiness was gone.

This was a radical thing for me to do.  In my life $30 is a lot of money.  However, as I tended to what my heart truly wanted, I had respected myself.  That small outward physical manifestation resulted in a huge inward shift.  I am at peace, and so totally pleased and delighted with the work of art I purchased for myself.  Absolutely delighted.

Other things that happened: as I have sat with what it means to respect myself, I have been processing many memories of my past.  The kicker is that I am realizing that there were times when someone had reached out to me - had loved me and gifted me at just the right time - but I had been unable to take it in.  

Now, those memories are opening up like Christmas presents that have been abandoned for years.  The gifts are still fresh inside, and no less meaningful.  When I open them, I am amazed at the love and presence that comes my way.  And while I did process some of the "good stuff" back in the day - I have a visceral memories of not taking in those good feelings in their entirety.  I couldn't, then.  But I can, now.  And it's good.  

I have searched for one of these people - Walter K. Walter - my English teacher my junior and senior year in high school, and one of my staunchest supporters.  I knew I loved him

then, and have continued to love him for years, though I've not seen him since I was 19.  It is only recently that I have been able to take in his love for me.  It's enough for me to approach Oprah about a TV show with a theme of finding people who have made a difference in our lives, and thanking them.  I want to be the first episode.  Mr. Walter - if you are out there - know that your gifts to me surpassed even your awareness.  Over 40 years later, your presence in my life is keenly felt.  Thank you.

So, with this open heart, I entered my work week - the first week back after the summer.  I did well the first two days.  I was able to energetically protect myself, move forward, get work completed.  Yesterday, though, was difficult.  My morning started out well, as I was able to go walking/running for the first time in weeks.  Over the course of the day, though, I had the realization of how much work there is to be done this semester.  

I will be receiving overload pay for my extra teaching - but it does not seem like a fair energetic exchange (in picture to the right, my health and well being is getting shrifted).  I also realized - for the umpteenth time - that my work environment will not support me growing in the direction that I think I am supposed to be growing.  I am told that I will never be considered as tenurable, given that I have a clinical doctorate rather than a PhD.  I am told this without any review of the work and research I have done to date - and, much less, without even a simple question such as "So what did you look at?  What did you find?  How might it influence our field or your future work?" - from the powers that be.  


Wonderful!  Note to Reader: that was Sarcasm.  I am naive and trusting.  I know that discrimination is alive and well.  I guess I didn't believe that it would happen at an institution of higher learning, where there is a department for Campus Inclusiveness, along with initiatives to decrease the

discrimination felt on campus.  I never expected it at this level:  Deborah, your initials will be considered before any consideration of your work and/or your abilities.  How naive of me to think that a clinical doctoral degree, along with the research and work I am doing, would allow me to be viewed in any sort of equal light.  And this, folks, is what took the wind out of my sails - this is what I had not protected myself against…that the five years I have spent obtaining my doctoral degree makes no difference to my employer.  None.  What.  So.  Ever.  At least this is the story from my supervisor.  

I am sitting with the decision about whether to approach my Dean and/or the Provost.  But I have to decide whether I have the energy and time, and if I do, then I will need to be prepared, organized, and clear in both my heart and head.  This decision - or not - to move up the administrative ladder with these concerns, will take some thought.

And in light of my recent query, I have to ask: Am I

respecting myself by staying in a place where I will have to fight to grow into the directions and space that my doctoral training has opened up?  I'm not so sure.  Are there other places that will support my growth into myself, and the work that seems to be asking to be addressed?

There is a voice that says, "Let this season.  Notice it, Little One, but take no action yet.  Listen for your next steps."  

It also says, "Gather yourself; Listen for your next steps; Act with Right Action; Direction will come."

And so I will.

Stop.      Wait.       

And I am going to add: Act in Right Action when it is time.

As Mary Oliver states, in her poem about trees,

"...and you too have come into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled with light, and to shine."

Photo obtained on 8/28/2014 at http://onebigphoto.com/uploads/2013/04/sun-rays-shining-through-trees.jpg.  It was taken by Michael Woloszynowicz.

Postscript:  I am noticing that, while this picture appears in the "preview," it does not seem to consistently appear in the actual published entry.  If you can't see it, I encourage you to go to the url and view this gorgeous pic by Michael Woloszynowicz.