November 10, 2016

WTF????

When I finally looked at the two items I posted this evening, I see that I was writing about grief last June...

Amazing...I must have been ignoring it all these months for it to be clobbering so deeply now...

Yep - and that's the way it goes with me...perhaps this time I will figure out a way to tend to these things in a more rhythmic way instead of these tsunami/drought onslaughts. 

Or not.

 In more ways than one...

November 10, 2016

A series of unfortunate events...

...though I am grateful that my things arrived, they did so

in an inconvenient way and time....I am still in the midst of boxes to unpack...

...the remnants of a vicious cold with vestigial sporadic

stuffy/runny sinuses and a tiredness that will not quit are still present and accounted for....

...so much so that I accidentally nodded off while in a meeting...not just any meeting...but a meeting at which there were bigwigs from the federal government and the Provost's office...a place where a good impression is important...and at one point I looked down and saw that

my notes had reduced to a few little marks on the paper.  I am so glad that I didn't drool or drop my pen.

...both the associate dean and the dean herself asked about my health, and commented - individually...at different times...about me appearing to sleep during the meeting,

and that it is better to excuse myself when I am feeling that tired than to sit there and give a poor impression.  Well...too late for that now...the only saving grace is that the Provost will be leaving in May and we are actively searching for a new one...I'll have to be careful about nodding off at their interviews...oh...wait...I think it may be too late for that...I'm remembering how tired I was at Provost Interviewee #2's gathering...can you spell S-H-E-E-P-I-S-H???????

...I took myself out for dinner before picking up a few items at the store...after dinner, I walked into my favorite organic store, and it is empty: the frozen fruit is gone, the meat is gone, the dairy is gone, and - the worst - all of the fresh produce is gone - and the employees have not been told what is going on.  If I have to find yet another shopping place I fear I will go mad.  I just don't want more change...

...and of course the news of he-who-must-not-be-named,

complete with Brexits and Russians applauding his victory  and sooooo looking forward to working with him...The good news is that I won't be moving to Britain or Russia - but I do have friends in Canada...who are willing to let me sleep over at their house and let me do errands for room and board...Ok, that's not unfortunate...that is VERY fortunate...

...finding out today that there are not "two" annual reports

that must be completed each year - but "three" of them...Meatball's "two out of three ain't bad" does not apply in this instance, and I now have another report to write that was due 6 months ago...

...and did I mention the college-level self-study that is

due?  It's different than the one mentioned above that is 6 months overdue...

...today was the first day that I thought, "I don't know if I can do this job..."

I'm thinking...Oy...nothing...there is nothing "in there"...just feeling overwhelmed...

And then a friend calls me on the phone...listens with an open heart...gives me a pep talk...tells me how capable I am...asks me what I'm going to do for myself to help me feel better...

...and I realize that - more than all of this - Grief is rearing

its head.  It has come in for an extended visit - and perhaps has been slowly intensifying over time.  My guess is that when my stuff finally got here, it swelled to its now ginormous size, and is the underlying culprit in how low I'm feeling right now.  

So - that's my first order of business.  

Grieve, my dear one, grieve...