My head is still spinning from being told that I need to re-write my promotion narrative. Now, though, rather than feeling the pain of not fitting in, I am pissed. Basically, I remember my boss saying, "I didn't try to defend or explain what you had said. Rather, I felt that it needed to stand on its own." Thanks for the support. Let me rephrase your words: "What you are doing is beyond what I can understand. I don't know how to explain it - so I didn't." How convenient. You can be the conduit through which the promotion committee speaks - and side-step having to understand my work. You can tell me you "want me to be successful" and appear supportive without having to say anything other than what the promotion committee has told you.
Every time you mentioned outcomes, and I named a specific outcome that was in the portfolio, and asked if it was an outcome, you had a blank look on your face. "That was in there?" was your statement. I don't think you have any idea what I am doing - and, if you do - my guess is that you think that it is my little quirky way of teaching…of looking at the details too closely…of working too hard. You don't see it as a legitimate practice. If you did, your behavior with the committee would not have been to "stand back and let the portfolio stand on its own merit," without you offering any words of support or explanation.
And while that "standing back and letting it stand on its own merits" is a wonderful way of using natural consequences for an adolescent, it's one of the worst ways I know of when it comes to mentoring - when it comes to someone who is open to feedback in the way that an adolescent is not. Figure it out, Deborah. Make it dry. Just the facts. Wonderful. How does one translate an iterative process into black and white? Help me. Don't just tell me to "do it." Otherwise I might think that you don't know how to do it yourself. Wait….did I just say that out loud? Damn. There I go again with the truth telling.
I have to consider the fact that the work I do - the way that I teach - is beyond my peers with whom I now work. It is not "all" about me and my writing. While I fully recognize that I need to be able to write in a way that is understood by others, there is something about others' not fully understanding my work that is part of this equation. I can work towards improving my writing and being more clear; however, I must also acknowledge that even when I am clear as a crystal bell, there will be those who still can't understand - and this has everything to do with them, and very little to do with me.
I am trying to let this season…It seems like I am being pulled towards writing a revision for the promotion committee. I need to be sure that it is "right action."
