January 3, 2018: Moments of Realization and Discernment

I have been burning the candle at both ends in the last few months, and I am unsure how to stop.  

Grading nearly put me under at the end of the fall trimester - way too many papers and not enough time to get them completed given that I was filling in for my administrative assistant and given that only having 5 days to grade 70 hours worth of papers is not a good match.  Oh - we were granted a reprieve - but I still ended up only having 5 days to get it done, given that the 5 days I was supposed to have for grading was spent with administrative tasks and fires.  

I have a vastly different approach and style to management than those above me.  I'm not so sure that their style and my style are a healthy match, given that stress trickles down rather than up.  

I cannot continue to work this hard.  This much I know.  On some level, I feel that I took on an impossible task without knowing that it was going to be impossible when I took it on.  I knew that it would be a challenge - but I didn't know it would be this much of a challenge. 

I may have bitten off more than I can chew.  However, I need to be kind to myself and allow this:  when I took my first bite, I had no idea how complicated simple tasks would be. Everything takes much more work than what seems necessary.  Very little is easily accomplished.

There is a piece of me that is burned out.  I know this because I no longer feel the warmth of several passions I had when I started: my research has gone by the wayside; I doubt my clinical skills at this point; the desire to help students become confident evidence builders seems like a distant dream. I am disillusioned with what I thought I might be able to do as a program director, and I seem bound by past systems that have been set in place and move forward because changing them is not even considered.  

I am also bound by my own inability to manage the things that need to be done - yet, if I am kind to and honest with myself, I would say that there are way too many things to be managed.  I am only human. And that may be some of the root of the problem.  I have come to embrace my human-ness - and no longer expect the super-human things of myself that I once did.  

So - I will need some help to find my path through this.   I have to believe that Spirit will lead.  Making a stronger more consistent effort at disciplined listening with help.  I do believe that my ancestors are with me, and I will need to depend on them as I step forward.

Wish me luck.  I do believe that all will be well in the end.  

In the meantime time, I could use just a little bit of sleep. 

Melatonin, here I come.

November 16, 2017: Swimming as Fast as I Can...

I have had meetings with several friends and colleagues as I try to figure out how to do this new job.  As I have stated

before, I am now at the part where I understand more of what is expected of me and I better understand what I am missing.  I also understand much better what a difficult situation I am in.  As some of my more "black humor" friends might say, this is the "chaos before the storm."  I am in that middle part of "group development" where all hell breaks loose - the "storming" - before there is a smooth running "mean machine" - i.e., the "performing" part. 

In my phone interview, the associate dean said, "I don't want you to think that you are going to be the substitute teacher, and that we will be standing in the back of the room watching you teach.  We've got plenty of things to be doing in the Dean's Office." 

I don't think this is true anymore - not because the associate dean doesn't want it that way - but because the associate dean is not the dean.  And as I speak with other program directors, all of them validate the difficult position I am in.  After all, I am now the director of the program that the dean led for over 20 years.  She is standing in the back of my classroom - not with malintent - but with anxiety that I - and the program - will fail.  She wants me to do well - and the only frame of reference she has is how she did it for 20 years.  


So I think back to the associate dean's remark.  I hear myself say to myself, "There you go, Deborah, taking people at their word - again."  And even as I suffer through this next AFGO, I still marvel that this
position is probably the right thing for me at this time.  As much as I hate how much work it is right now, and as painful as things are, it is remarkable how this job has ferreted out and exposed those things which I need to improve and more finely hone.

Well, friends, the above paragraph is a Pollyanna version of "OH FUCK!  I AM IN OVER MY HEAD!"  It's going to take some digging to get out of this one. 

However, I do believe that if I set some goals (a weaker skill) and develop some work-back plans (another weaker skill) that I will be able to better delegate to others (another weaker skill) so that our team can get done what needs to be done.

 

My strength?  I do have vision.  And I have an uncanny sense when we are veering off course, along with the words to set

us straight.  I'm good with the vision and with the spirit.  I believe that I have the skills to be a better leader than I do a manager, if that makes any sense.  So, the trick will be to delegate the managing parts so that I can keep an eye on things, but can spend more time doing the things I am good at, i.e., the leading part.

And while I do believe the words that I wrote in the last paragraph, I still believe that in this very moment?  This place and time? -  I am in a helluva pickle.

  

November 4: Back to Basics

One of my favorite "go to" books is "Anatomy of the Spirit: The 7 Stages of Power and Healing" by Caroline Myss.  She has synthesized three different spiritual traditions

(Catholicism,  Judaism, and the Chakra system) and synthesized their concepts to identify connections between spiritual energy and our health.  Over the years it has helped me grow - helping me pinpoint some areas I needed to address in order to move forward.  I discovered how my lymphoma diagnosis was connected to first chakra issues - and how some of my present health issues seem to be connected to the same.  And there are others...

Today I began reading to learn more about a diagnosis faced by a dear friend.  And - as things usually go when I "let go" - I have been led back to how we are all connected, and how praying for her needs to take place conjointly with my own efforts at being the best I can be.  By healing my "piece" of the "larger body," I can support the whole - and, in turn, support her.

Myss used the chakra system to organize her thoughts, and I had a bookmark in the 4th chakra, around the heart, which mediates between the physical and the spiritual world.  Yes - interesting - since that is where some of my lessons seem to currently be.  I looked again and found that my osteoporosis is connected to 1st chakra - as is the lymphoma.  

And then I found this gem: Even though we come into this world with powerful connections to a "tribe," we still have a "relentless congenital desire" to explore our own potential.  "This desire is the impetus behind our striving to become conscious.  The universal human journey is one of becoming conscious of our power and how to use that power.  Becoming conscious of the responsibility inherent in the power of choice represents the core of this journey."

So - becoming conscious, becoming aware.  Then, understanding that there is power in that awareness, and in the choices that we make as part of that awareness. 

For me, becoming aware of how that consciousness and spirituality manifests in moi - and how I use it's power truly is my human journey.  Understanding how each and every choice I make (without judgement!) has its own results (not good or bad, but merely movement one way or another). Being conscious of and understanding my own power within and in relation to Spirit, and the responsibility inherent in my power of choice every single moment truly does represent the core of my own journey.  

Perhaps, then, the "devil" truly is in the details.  There are so many choices I make in every waking moment.  Some of them are very conscious ones - and others are made even before I've had time to think or be aware.  Perhaps it's the latter that deserves more of my concern.  And, goddammit, that comes back - once again - to a daily (or more frequent) spiritual practice.  

 Sigh (choice).  Eat (another choice). Hike (another choice).  

May I be fully present in the midst of all of the choices - now and more. 
 

November 2, 2017: What Did I Do Today?

I need to get going this morning.  I believe that it is an exercise morning - yet I have taken a little bit of time to "gather" myself.  I don't think that I will have the time to exercise.

Last week - or was it two weeks ago - I told my dean that I would try to reflect on what has happened daily, keep a list of what was accomplished, and then let her know.   I would try to keep a list of what was being planned, and ask her advice on that.

I have not done that.  I was getting ready for conference - and then I was catching up from conference - and though I've stayed late a couple of nights, I'm not sure what exactly happened each day.  

Yesterday was a blur - many people coming in and out, fires that needed addressing - issues that seemed to rise up from nowhere...the student whose doctor is telling her that her vaccinations are up to date, but the college is telling her that they are not, and that she needs more and will not let her register until she gets more.  Crazy-making things.  Time-sucking things - yet things that allow for connection with others.  And it's not that I begrudge them - I enjoy them.  However, once they done I'm onto the next thing before I can fully acknowledge what I have done, i.e., built a relationship with an incoming student, shown some kindness, attempted, at least, to make something right.  That's only one example.

I just read a short item on how our unconscious controls more of our brain than we think it does.  This means getting to know our unconscious is a good thing.  This points to the idea that "waiting it out," - sitting, meditating, listening in prayer - is a good thing.

Does doing things more intentionally mean that I need to schedule myself daily?  Perhaps not all of my activities - but perhaps sitting quietly - would be the most fruitful thing to do intentionally and to schedule daily and regularly.  

I am thinking of the song "Woodstock" - the line about trying to "get ourselves back to the garden."  That's what I am trying to do right now.  I was in the garden when I moved out here and began this job - and I want to get myself back to it. 

I need a picture of a banyan tree - that's what is coming to mind....those wonderful trees that spread out, root down, grow up toward the light, yet provide shade and shelter. That's what I am thinking right now. Banyan tree.

 

Namaste.

 And one last thing...

prayers, prayers, prayers 

for a dear cousin and friend - and her family. 

October 11, 2017: Not my usual self...

Feelings of impending doom...they have been with me for a little while.  Tomorrow, I call the counselor with Employee Assistance, and I call my homeopath.  I make an acupuncture appointment.

Maybe I don't drive to Ohio.  Maybe I do anyway.

The trouble is, I have not had enough time to sit and listen.  When I do, what I get is me going to Rock Island and camping for a week.  That's what is calling me.  I miss it so...I miss having that week to myself, which I have not had in a year.  Not good.  

Rather than enjoying my work, I have been feeling depression, fear, and anxiety.  I am back in a situation like I was in La Crosse: a small program that has to "scrap" to stay alive.  I am tired of "scrapping."

When I reflect, I have had three rounds of antibiotics in the last 6 months.  What have they done to my system?  Cellulitis, a funky infection with my tooth, and food poisoning.  What is up with that?   

And now, psychosocial symptoms.   Lack of motivation.  Lack of caring.  Tired.  Unable to sleep.  I've only ridden my bike once this whole summer.  I have a kayak which I have not yet taken out.  And while I am working, it is no longer bringing me the joy that it once did.  Sounds like anxiety and depression to me.  

So I am back to where I started.  Call the counselor.  Call my homeopath.  Make an appointment for acupuncture.  Take my health back into my own hands.

If I could just bloody sleep.  That would be a good start.

And I'm calling on my guides - all of my spiritual guides...may I be open to what you have to say...may I be open to your help...may I hear your gentle whispers...I have to believe that I am where I am supposed to be and that help will be there.  I am doing my best to listen.

And right now - I need your help in sleeping.

Pondering Leadership: September 6, 2017

So.  At a staff meeting today.  Hard staff meeting.  I left it and went straight for a drink and something to eat with a friend.  

After reflecting, I realize that I have made an egregious error.  I assumed that, because I am devoted to a larger vision of transforming students, that my staff is as well. 

I better understand now that the "tone" of my workplace will need to shift.  There were 5 of us at the meeting.  One of the faculty brought up shifting a wonderful event from a Saturday afternoon to an evening during the week.  The reason had nothing to do with student learning, or making the event better, or supporting the program.  The reason?  She didn't want to have to give up "another" weekend.  

"But wait," you might say.  "Isn't the program you went to a weekend program."  "Funny you should say that," I might reply.  And during the summer, the faculty do not work weekends at all.  In fact, they do not teach at all.  And I made that point.  In the summer, it is not "another" weekend.  It is, in fact, only 'one' weekend.  And even then, it is only 1 day of an entire weekend. 

And that's how the conversation really went.  There was not a lot of talk about "student learning" or how the event was

supporting student learning and students' building a professional identity.  It was about having to give up "another weekend."  Even myself - I fell to that level.  "Well," I stated, "I will be teaching on the weekends, and will be taking my time during the middle of the week.  Having it during the week will not only inconvenience me, but will also inconvenience all of the students who will have to rearrange their weekly jobs/activities, given that they are in a weekend program."  Her reply?  "Well, you are here all of the time anyway."

Here's where I failed as a leader: I did not keep my eye on the prize.  I did not keep my eye on the mission of the college and our school and our program.  Here's another

place I need work: I have not taken the power that has been bestowed on me as a program director.  I have worked hard to be collaborative - thinking that I was working with people who were dedicated to the larger vision of educating students.  That collaboration has, instead, been perceived as a weakness that can easily be "pushed" and/or bent so that individual needs can be met. 
 
I will work to shift this.  That is my job, and it is what I believe needs to be done.  However, I have also learned in

my old age that I cannot push rivers upstream.  If I cannot shift it - if I am not successful in my efforts - then I will admit my inability to get the job done, and I will leave.  My head is too precious to me, and I will not beat it against an unmoving wall.


I do think mentoring will be important.  Where I have approached this new job with a manager's hat, I now need to approach it with a leader's hat. It has been a long time since I led, especially with a recalcitrant team.  Leading was not something that was nourished at my old place of employment.  I will need help.  That's my next step: getting the help that I need.  I will begin with my Dean, and go from there.

 
To be continued....

May 19th 2017: A Reminding of What It Means to be "Sick."

Bless me, dear friends - it has been 10 days since my last "accession" (smiling nod to my Catholic friends who will understand the play on words). This is my "addition:" an awakened memory of "being sick."  What follows is my shortened, first-person account.

Mr. Spring Flu, along with Mrs. Shingles and her grown child, Ms. Skin Infection, had a meeting of minds and decided to have their next soiree in my body.  A great time was had by all, with  temperatures soaring into the 100's and

topping out at 103.  Thankfully, Constable Ibuprofen was on call, which kept the heat of the party hovering near 100 degrees.  Although Ms. Urgent Care had not been included as a guest, I was able to wangle an invitation.  Her contributions of doxycycline (antibiotic) and valscyclovir  (antiviral) helped stop the mother-daughter duet, and without their collaborative  entertainment, Mr. Flu grew bored and left after 3 days.  

Yes, dear friends, at one point I was swallowing 11 pills a day.  Those of you who know me will know what a departure this was, and now may more fully understand how sick my body was.  I am now down to 5 a day sans ibuprofen, and am thinking of stopping the antiviral as well.  The antibiotic may continue to be part of my diet, as I am - as of yet - not thoroughly convinced that a tick bite wasn't part of the melee as well (brought in undercover, of course, in one of the women's handbags).

I am now cleaning up the debris left by that obnoxious trio

and whatever they may have brought with them: drinking lots of water; doubling up on my probiotics; working few if any hours; bingeing on Netflix; lying in bed.  Additionally, allergies are kicking in, but the netty pot is coming out.  No, no, no to any "morning after" parties in my sinuses.  Yes, yes, yes to self care. 

 

If you have kept up with any of my previous posts, you may notice a theme here.  Yes, the proverbial 2 x 4 has again landed upside of my head.  On some level, I am very grateful for this illness.  I knew that I was over-doing, but I couldn't seem to shift myself to a different path.  This illness has helped me do so.  I'm wondering if next time, I can simply walk across it rather than having it land upside my head?   

If you are the betting kind, and if you know me, you might bet against the "walk."