May 19th 2017: A Reminding of What It Means to be "Sick."

Bless me, dear friends - it has been 10 days since my last "accession" (smiling nod to my Catholic friends who will understand the play on words). This is my "addition:" an awakened memory of "being sick."  What follows is my shortened, first-person account.

Mr. Spring Flu, along with Mrs. Shingles and her grown child, Ms. Skin Infection, had a meeting of minds and decided to have their next soiree in my body.  A great time was had by all, with  temperatures soaring into the 100's and

topping out at 103.  Thankfully, Constable Ibuprofen was on call, which kept the heat of the party hovering near 100 degrees.  Although Ms. Urgent Care had not been included as a guest, I was able to wangle an invitation.  Her contributions of doxycycline (antibiotic) and valscyclovir  (antiviral) helped stop the mother-daughter duet, and without their collaborative  entertainment, Mr. Flu grew bored and left after 3 days.  

Yes, dear friends, at one point I was swallowing 11 pills a day.  Those of you who know me will know what a departure this was, and now may more fully understand how sick my body was.  I am now down to 5 a day sans ibuprofen, and am thinking of stopping the antiviral as well.  The antibiotic may continue to be part of my diet, as I am - as of yet - not thoroughly convinced that a tick bite wasn't part of the melee as well (brought in undercover, of course, in one of the women's handbags).

I am now cleaning up the debris left by that obnoxious trio

and whatever they may have brought with them: drinking lots of water; doubling up on my probiotics; working few if any hours; bingeing on Netflix; lying in bed.  Additionally, allergies are kicking in, but the netty pot is coming out.  No, no, no to any "morning after" parties in my sinuses.  Yes, yes, yes to self care. 

 

If you have kept up with any of my previous posts, you may notice a theme here.  Yes, the proverbial 2 x 4 has again landed upside of my head.  On some level, I am very grateful for this illness.  I knew that I was over-doing, but I couldn't seem to shift myself to a different path.  This illness has helped me do so.  I'm wondering if next time, I can simply walk across it rather than having it land upside my head?   

If you are the betting kind, and if you know me, you might bet against the "walk."

May 8th, 2017: Poetry with NPR

I am listening to Maria Howe.  She read a poem that she wrote when her brother was dying of Aides.  He would tell her, "This is what you have been waiting for."  Whether it 

was a sandwich, or washing a glass, he would look at her and say, "This.  This is what you have been waiting for."  And she would say, "What?"  and he would say, "This."  

She talked about walking in the city with her daughter, and on the sidewalk was drawn a big circle.  Next to the circle was an arrow pointing to the circle, with the words

"Happiness is here."  People who passed the circle would stand in it, and feel happy.  The circle was the "This."

She talked about a Russian poet who had been her teacher.  He said that American's were funny, because we thought that Evil would walk into our lives in big black boots - easily recognizable.  And it's not that way.  It comes, instead, in our words.  

My apartment is empty of my friend's presence.  She came for a week, rehearsing for a performance piece to be performed in the Bronx next weekend.  She helped me

"move in."  We shopped.  I have a rug, now.  I have pictures on the wall.  Her uinvisible presence hangs in the air and in the unseen cells of everything she touched - and didn't, for that matter.  It feels a little more like a home, this apartment where this misplaced, Midwest transient has been living for a little over a year.

I discovered this week that I almost had forgotten how to

"be" with another person.  My first evening home, I moved into my regular routine of having a quick bite to eat - and it took me some time before I remembered to ask "how was your day?"  So used, was I, to being alone.

And yet - it is in relation to others where much of our

spiritual learning can take place.  There is something to be said about being alone, being quiet, listening for Spirit speaking through our lives.  And there is something to be said about being noisy, using our words and actions as we brush up against others...finding the words and actions to

connect...bumbling through the messiness and joy in our daily search to find each other in these days and times when interacting with a machine of some sort is the more common way. 

Meeting this morning, I think.  Although I am also being pulled to get grading and work done.  First, though, the day lilies that I transplanted yesterday need some water. 

May 5th, 2017: Giving Up to Get...

This week has been spent putting out many fires at work.  Three long days with required early morning tasks have left me running - yet still usually present in whatever needed doing.

It was good to get back to some readings this morning.  One talked about how children, when they are developing, can

grasp something but have not yet mastered letting go.  I know this.  Flexing the fingers around something to hold it is learned before extending the fingers outward to let go.  We ask, "How can I hang on to what I have and still get more?"


So in life, I think.  Our developmental tendency is to grasp and hold tightly before we learn to let go.  Sometimes, I

hold onto things much longer than they - or I, for that matter - need.  This is not only in relation to old clothing that I may love, but which I no longer wear (my wedding dress, for example), old thoughts which no longer serve me or the greatest good ("I have to be perfect"), old ways of relating to others (agreeing when drawing a line and disagreeing would move us both forward)...and so many other things.  It's not always in my best interest to hold on, although my delusions may tell me otherwise.

So, today, may I find a balance.  May I use all that I am holding onto to move me, all whom I encounter, and any necessary activities forward in the name of beauty and the greater good.  May I let go of anything physical, mental, or emotional that will prevent or weigh those efforts down.

 

*Om Namah Shivaya.*

*For those interested, this site provides an explanation of this salutation/mantra: https://www.spiritualsun.com/practices/texts/hindu/om-namah-shivaya 

May 1, 2017: Is it Real? and Packing China

I woke up this morning, found my book, read my readings.  the first had to do with "really seeing" those around us.  It

reminded me of Byron Katie's work, where the first questions of her work are, "Is it true; Is it really true; and how do you know that it is true"?  My friend Bob used to talk about the "bubbles" he would create in his head of how he thought things "were," only to find out that what was in his bubble didn't always match reality.  True, that - the part about how what is in our head doesn't always match what is in the world around us.

The second had a little piece that addressed spontaneity.  It proposed that spontaneity - many times - was no more than

a reaction to something that passes our path, and to which we react.  It went on to say that spontaneity was not reacting by doing those things in the moment that we wanted - or not doing those things in the moment that we didn't want.  Rather, "true" spontaneity was about changing our patterns with intention - even changing patterns of a lifetime.  


That second one gave me pause for thought.  I do think that I can be pretty spontaneous - but thinking about changing patterns of a life time?  I am going to have to sit with that

one.  What gets tricky is this: I think that some habits start out as good things - they save us time - they give us an efficient way of doing things so that we don't have to think about what we are doing.  Take, for instance, brushing our teeth.  If we had to think about how we brush our teeth, and relearn that motor act after every single meal - it could take up a lot of time and space.  However, as our lives

change over time, habits we have developed may no longer serve us.  Take, for instance, emotional habits.  If I learned to withdraw from an abusive relationship when I was  young in order to self-preserve, that very habit may interfere with me being close to others when I am grown.  I learned to act in a certain way that was healthy at one point in my life, but perhaps now it is no longer needed.  Hence - reading number 1.


Awareness.  Practicing the opposite of "self-deceipt." 

Asking, "Is it true?"  So, in theory, I suppose, practicing the tenants of first reading might just open us up to the tenants second.  





Mindfully aware seems to be the theme today...seems like a good theme to start my week.  That combined with my Alexander Tip of the week - "love the ground" - may just get me through.


And, with that, I must leave.  I spent over 30 minutes cleaning up my email inbox this morning.  While decreasing

the clutter was good, it has taken some time and my day is calling.  There is yet another inbox at work awaiting my "clearing" - and numerous other things as well waiting for me as well.  I know this - not because that is the nature of the work, but because I found a "to do" list in my calendar last night...ahem, ahem...it was the "to do" list that I thought I had lost on Friday...ahem, ahem.  Some things are right under my nose, and it's hard to see. 


One day, I found myself packing my office to move to NY.  It needed doing, but I had no intention of doing it on that 
day, at that time.  A friend came by and commented, and I 

told her what I just wrote - I had no intention of boxing up my office that day, but it seemed I was boxing up my office.  She replied, "When it's time to pack the China, you pack the China." 

When it's time to find the list - I'll find the list, yeah?


And now it's time to get on with the day.  My morning is 1.5 hours old.  It's past time to pack the China.

Namaste.

 

April 29th, 2017: Taiko Drumming

Taiko Drumming  

I just lost every single word and image I had put down for today.  And now my day calls.

I'll have to come back to this later.

I am going to pretend that this was a blip on what will be an otherwise wonder-filled day.

   

April 27th: Message Louder

No reading yesterday.  Instead, a Tedx talk sent by a friend.  A woman was dying of lymphoma, and after a near death experience, came back from a coma and a wasted body to be fully cured - spontaneously.  The medical world did not have an explanation. 

She had us imagine being in a warehouse - a huge warehouse that was totally dark -  and we were moving throughout with our little flashlight.  We would be able to

see, perhaps, a shelf or two in front of us.  Then, imagine that - perhaps for just a second or two - all of the lights in the warehouse come in and we see its vastness - its rows and rows of materials and goods.  Then the lights go off and we are back in the dark with our little flashlight.  We can no longer see its vastness - but that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. The experience she had of God in her near death experience, and of "being" with relatives who had already passed, was similar.  She saw and experienced a  "flash" that took her to a much broader and deeper level of consciousness.  That could no longer see and experience it now does not negate its existence.  

 She had everyone in the room notice things that were red

in color.  Then she had them close their eyes, and she had them recall things that were blue.  The point she made was about awareness - what we focus on makes a difference.  It can cause us to "miss" seeing other things.  

There were 5 things that she learned - and I have forgotten all of them except two: love and laughter - and perhaps loving yourself was a third.  




My readings today are about intention/focus and becoming stronger with meditation.  One of the main points was that meditation or other spiritual disciplines give us the tools (tenacity, toughness, you pick the noun) to take hold of our lives.  

("Slow Down. Listen")

And then my brain moves to many things: preparing the room for a friend who will be staying for a week; getting wool things mended and put in the cedar chest; letting go of things I brought here - but have no place for; and the ad infinitum list of things for work.  

 "Slow Down. Listen."






It moves to getting a doctor's appointment for my eye and skin; to stating clarity with someone who has been pursuing a relationship/friendship/not sure what to call it with me (Clarity needed.  Obviously.); to lying around and watching Netflix; to getting an exercise program started so that I can begin more rigorous hiking and make sure that this body is in good working shape; to digging on the hillside and planting flowers and vegetables.   

"Slow down. Listen."

When I see all of those things that are in my head listed there in black and white on the page in front of me, then it seems clear to me that  practice in listening, meditation, or other spiritual undertaking seems right. 

Oh - and another one: getting instructors names into FLAC so that their Blackboard pops up.  That's a work thing.  

And my grandmother's clock seems to want to go faster and faster - no matter how low I have the pendulum swinging.  Is it an outward sign of my own speeding up?  

"SLOW DOWN. LISTEN. SLOW DOWN. LISTEN."

Meditation.  Planning.  More time needed in both.  Living with intention - and ensuring that there is some sort of a balance in my work and play and spiritual nourishment - seems to be really important.  

And now it's time to exercise.  Then sit?  Wait...am I hearing something????

Maybe it's time to Slow Down, and Listen.

April 25th, 2017: Well, Already I am Rushed.

I can see that today is different.  I woke up and didn't do the reading first.  I pulled up my iPad (which is also my alarm since my trusty clock of many years went kaput) and checked the weather first.  Would I be walking to work or not today?

Not.  Raining.  And then onto checking the dates for the Falcon Ridge Folk Festival, which took one part of my brain to how I need to do the final on-line for the last day of the class I teach this summer, given the dates.  

Which led me to dip into Fb.

Which led me to some news stories.  








And, at some point, I "woke up" (after my body had been awake for awhile) and realized that I had not done my

reading first.

They were both on "Love."  Good.  Seeing - really seeing - and being present with others.  A good thing to read. 

Interesting Choice of Words...

Right now I am interested in the term I used above:

  "led."  

And that is another "wake up."

There is a huge difference in being "led" by Spirit and being "led" by Fb - or any other enticement.  Call me crazy, but I think the difference is in the "Spirit" part.  And, call me crazy again, but there is something powerful in my "choice" of what I "follow."  And, crazy as I go, discernment is key.

Without taking the time to "Listen," and "Discern," choices are - at the very least - less informed.  At the most, they are susceptible to not being choices at all.  

Ruh-Roh.  Time to Listen.  

Duh.  

And it's up to me to make a choice.