October 11, 2017: Not my usual self...

Feelings of impending doom...they have been with me for a little while.  Tomorrow, I call the counselor with Employee Assistance, and I call my homeopath.  I make an acupuncture appointment.

Maybe I don't drive to Ohio.  Maybe I do anyway.

The trouble is, I have not had enough time to sit and listen.  When I do, what I get is me going to Rock Island and camping for a week.  That's what is calling me.  I miss it so...I miss having that week to myself, which I have not had in a year.  Not good.  

Rather than enjoying my work, I have been feeling depression, fear, and anxiety.  I am back in a situation like I was in La Crosse: a small program that has to "scrap" to stay alive.  I am tired of "scrapping."

When I reflect, I have had three rounds of antibiotics in the last 6 months.  What have they done to my system?  Cellulitis, a funky infection with my tooth, and food poisoning.  What is up with that?   

And now, psychosocial symptoms.   Lack of motivation.  Lack of caring.  Tired.  Unable to sleep.  I've only ridden my bike once this whole summer.  I have a kayak which I have not yet taken out.  And while I am working, it is no longer bringing me the joy that it once did.  Sounds like anxiety and depression to me.  

So I am back to where I started.  Call the counselor.  Call my homeopath.  Make an appointment for acupuncture.  Take my health back into my own hands.

If I could just bloody sleep.  That would be a good start.

And I'm calling on my guides - all of my spiritual guides...may I be open to what you have to say...may I be open to your help...may I hear your gentle whispers...I have to believe that I am where I am supposed to be and that help will be there.  I am doing my best to listen.

And right now - I need your help in sleeping.

Pondering Leadership: September 6, 2017

So.  At a staff meeting today.  Hard staff meeting.  I left it and went straight for a drink and something to eat with a friend.  

After reflecting, I realize that I have made an egregious error.  I assumed that, because I am devoted to a larger vision of transforming students, that my staff is as well. 

I better understand now that the "tone" of my workplace will need to shift.  There were 5 of us at the meeting.  One of the faculty brought up shifting a wonderful event from a Saturday afternoon to an evening during the week.  The reason had nothing to do with student learning, or making the event better, or supporting the program.  The reason?  She didn't want to have to give up "another" weekend.  

"But wait," you might say.  "Isn't the program you went to a weekend program."  "Funny you should say that," I might reply.  And during the summer, the faculty do not work weekends at all.  In fact, they do not teach at all.  And I made that point.  In the summer, it is not "another" weekend.  It is, in fact, only 'one' weekend.  And even then, it is only 1 day of an entire weekend. 

And that's how the conversation really went.  There was not a lot of talk about "student learning" or how the event was

supporting student learning and students' building a professional identity.  It was about having to give up "another weekend."  Even myself - I fell to that level.  "Well," I stated, "I will be teaching on the weekends, and will be taking my time during the middle of the week.  Having it during the week will not only inconvenience me, but will also inconvenience all of the students who will have to rearrange their weekly jobs/activities, given that they are in a weekend program."  Her reply?  "Well, you are here all of the time anyway."

Here's where I failed as a leader: I did not keep my eye on the prize.  I did not keep my eye on the mission of the college and our school and our program.  Here's another

place I need work: I have not taken the power that has been bestowed on me as a program director.  I have worked hard to be collaborative - thinking that I was working with people who were dedicated to the larger vision of educating students.  That collaboration has, instead, been perceived as a weakness that can easily be "pushed" and/or bent so that individual needs can be met. 
 
I will work to shift this.  That is my job, and it is what I believe needs to be done.  However, I have also learned in

my old age that I cannot push rivers upstream.  If I cannot shift it - if I am not successful in my efforts - then I will admit my inability to get the job done, and I will leave.  My head is too precious to me, and I will not beat it against an unmoving wall.


I do think mentoring will be important.  Where I have approached this new job with a manager's hat, I now need to approach it with a leader's hat. It has been a long time since I led, especially with a recalcitrant team.  Leading was not something that was nourished at my old place of employment.  I will need help.  That's my next step: getting the help that I need.  I will begin with my Dean, and go from there.

 
To be continued....

May 19th 2017: A Reminding of What It Means to be "Sick."

Bless me, dear friends - it has been 10 days since my last "accession" (smiling nod to my Catholic friends who will understand the play on words). This is my "addition:" an awakened memory of "being sick."  What follows is my shortened, first-person account.

Mr. Spring Flu, along with Mrs. Shingles and her grown child, Ms. Skin Infection, had a meeting of minds and decided to have their next soiree in my body.  A great time was had by all, with  temperatures soaring into the 100's and

topping out at 103.  Thankfully, Constable Ibuprofen was on call, which kept the heat of the party hovering near 100 degrees.  Although Ms. Urgent Care had not been included as a guest, I was able to wangle an invitation.  Her contributions of doxycycline (antibiotic) and valscyclovir  (antiviral) helped stop the mother-daughter duet, and without their collaborative  entertainment, Mr. Flu grew bored and left after 3 days.  

Yes, dear friends, at one point I was swallowing 11 pills a day.  Those of you who know me will know what a departure this was, and now may more fully understand how sick my body was.  I am now down to 5 a day sans ibuprofen, and am thinking of stopping the antiviral as well.  The antibiotic may continue to be part of my diet, as I am - as of yet - not thoroughly convinced that a tick bite wasn't part of the melee as well (brought in undercover, of course, in one of the women's handbags).

I am now cleaning up the debris left by that obnoxious trio

and whatever they may have brought with them: drinking lots of water; doubling up on my probiotics; working few if any hours; bingeing on Netflix; lying in bed.  Additionally, allergies are kicking in, but the netty pot is coming out.  No, no, no to any "morning after" parties in my sinuses.  Yes, yes, yes to self care. 

 

If you have kept up with any of my previous posts, you may notice a theme here.  Yes, the proverbial 2 x 4 has again landed upside of my head.  On some level, I am very grateful for this illness.  I knew that I was over-doing, but I couldn't seem to shift myself to a different path.  This illness has helped me do so.  I'm wondering if next time, I can simply walk across it rather than having it land upside my head?   

If you are the betting kind, and if you know me, you might bet against the "walk."

May 8th, 2017: Poetry with NPR

I am listening to Maria Howe.  She read a poem that she wrote when her brother was dying of Aides.  He would tell her, "This is what you have been waiting for."  Whether it 

was a sandwich, or washing a glass, he would look at her and say, "This.  This is what you have been waiting for."  And she would say, "What?"  and he would say, "This."  

She talked about walking in the city with her daughter, and on the sidewalk was drawn a big circle.  Next to the circle was an arrow pointing to the circle, with the words

"Happiness is here."  People who passed the circle would stand in it, and feel happy.  The circle was the "This."

She talked about a Russian poet who had been her teacher.  He said that American's were funny, because we thought that Evil would walk into our lives in big black boots - easily recognizable.  And it's not that way.  It comes, instead, in our words.  

My apartment is empty of my friend's presence.  She came for a week, rehearsing for a performance piece to be performed in the Bronx next weekend.  She helped me

"move in."  We shopped.  I have a rug, now.  I have pictures on the wall.  Her uinvisible presence hangs in the air and in the unseen cells of everything she touched - and didn't, for that matter.  It feels a little more like a home, this apartment where this misplaced, Midwest transient has been living for a little over a year.

I discovered this week that I almost had forgotten how to

"be" with another person.  My first evening home, I moved into my regular routine of having a quick bite to eat - and it took me some time before I remembered to ask "how was your day?"  So used, was I, to being alone.

And yet - it is in relation to others where much of our

spiritual learning can take place.  There is something to be said about being alone, being quiet, listening for Spirit speaking through our lives.  And there is something to be said about being noisy, using our words and actions as we brush up against others...finding the words and actions to

connect...bumbling through the messiness and joy in our daily search to find each other in these days and times when interacting with a machine of some sort is the more common way. 

Meeting this morning, I think.  Although I am also being pulled to get grading and work done.  First, though, the day lilies that I transplanted yesterday need some water. 

May 5th, 2017: Giving Up to Get...

This week has been spent putting out many fires at work.  Three long days with required early morning tasks have left me running - yet still usually present in whatever needed doing.

It was good to get back to some readings this morning.  One talked about how children, when they are developing, can

grasp something but have not yet mastered letting go.  I know this.  Flexing the fingers around something to hold it is learned before extending the fingers outward to let go.  We ask, "How can I hang on to what I have and still get more?"


So in life, I think.  Our developmental tendency is to grasp and hold tightly before we learn to let go.  Sometimes, I

hold onto things much longer than they - or I, for that matter - need.  This is not only in relation to old clothing that I may love, but which I no longer wear (my wedding dress, for example), old thoughts which no longer serve me or the greatest good ("I have to be perfect"), old ways of relating to others (agreeing when drawing a line and disagreeing would move us both forward)...and so many other things.  It's not always in my best interest to hold on, although my delusions may tell me otherwise.

So, today, may I find a balance.  May I use all that I am holding onto to move me, all whom I encounter, and any necessary activities forward in the name of beauty and the greater good.  May I let go of anything physical, mental, or emotional that will prevent or weigh those efforts down.

 

*Om Namah Shivaya.*

*For those interested, this site provides an explanation of this salutation/mantra: https://www.spiritualsun.com/practices/texts/hindu/om-namah-shivaya 

May 1, 2017: Is it Real? and Packing China

I woke up this morning, found my book, read my readings.  the first had to do with "really seeing" those around us.  It

reminded me of Byron Katie's work, where the first questions of her work are, "Is it true; Is it really true; and how do you know that it is true"?  My friend Bob used to talk about the "bubbles" he would create in his head of how he thought things "were," only to find out that what was in his bubble didn't always match reality.  True, that - the part about how what is in our head doesn't always match what is in the world around us.

The second had a little piece that addressed spontaneity.  It proposed that spontaneity - many times - was no more than

a reaction to something that passes our path, and to which we react.  It went on to say that spontaneity was not reacting by doing those things in the moment that we wanted - or not doing those things in the moment that we didn't want.  Rather, "true" spontaneity was about changing our patterns with intention - even changing patterns of a lifetime.  


That second one gave me pause for thought.  I do think that I can be pretty spontaneous - but thinking about changing patterns of a life time?  I am going to have to sit with that

one.  What gets tricky is this: I think that some habits start out as good things - they save us time - they give us an efficient way of doing things so that we don't have to think about what we are doing.  Take, for instance, brushing our teeth.  If we had to think about how we brush our teeth, and relearn that motor act after every single meal - it could take up a lot of time and space.  However, as our lives

change over time, habits we have developed may no longer serve us.  Take, for instance, emotional habits.  If I learned to withdraw from an abusive relationship when I was  young in order to self-preserve, that very habit may interfere with me being close to others when I am grown.  I learned to act in a certain way that was healthy at one point in my life, but perhaps now it is no longer needed.  Hence - reading number 1.


Awareness.  Practicing the opposite of "self-deceipt." 

Asking, "Is it true?"  So, in theory, I suppose, practicing the tenants of first reading might just open us up to the tenants second.  





Mindfully aware seems to be the theme today...seems like a good theme to start my week.  That combined with my Alexander Tip of the week - "love the ground" - may just get me through.


And, with that, I must leave.  I spent over 30 minutes cleaning up my email inbox this morning.  While decreasing

the clutter was good, it has taken some time and my day is calling.  There is yet another inbox at work awaiting my "clearing" - and numerous other things as well waiting for me as well.  I know this - not because that is the nature of the work, but because I found a "to do" list in my calendar last night...ahem, ahem...it was the "to do" list that I thought I had lost on Friday...ahem, ahem.  Some things are right under my nose, and it's hard to see. 


One day, I found myself packing my office to move to NY.  It needed doing, but I had no intention of doing it on that 
day, at that time.  A friend came by and commented, and I 

told her what I just wrote - I had no intention of boxing up my office that day, but it seemed I was boxing up my office.  She replied, "When it's time to pack the China, you pack the China." 

When it's time to find the list - I'll find the list, yeah?


And now it's time to get on with the day.  My morning is 1.5 hours old.  It's past time to pack the China.

Namaste.

 

April 29th, 2017: Taiko Drumming

Taiko Drumming  

I just lost every single word and image I had put down for today.  And now my day calls.

I'll have to come back to this later.

I am going to pretend that this was a blip on what will be an otherwise wonder-filled day.