April 27th: Message Louder

No reading yesterday.  Instead, a Tedx talk sent by a friend.  A woman was dying of lymphoma, and after a near death experience, came back from a coma and a wasted body to be fully cured - spontaneously.  The medical world did not have an explanation. 

She had us imagine being in a warehouse - a huge warehouse that was totally dark -  and we were moving throughout with our little flashlight.  We would be able to

see, perhaps, a shelf or two in front of us.  Then, imagine that - perhaps for just a second or two - all of the lights in the warehouse come in and we see its vastness - its rows and rows of materials and goods.  Then the lights go off and we are back in the dark with our little flashlight.  We can no longer see its vastness - but that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. The experience she had of God in her near death experience, and of "being" with relatives who had already passed, was similar.  She saw and experienced a  "flash" that took her to a much broader and deeper level of consciousness.  That could no longer see and experience it now does not negate its existence.  

 She had everyone in the room notice things that were red

in color.  Then she had them close their eyes, and she had them recall things that were blue.  The point she made was about awareness - what we focus on makes a difference.  It can cause us to "miss" seeing other things.  

There were 5 things that she learned - and I have forgotten all of them except two: love and laughter - and perhaps loving yourself was a third.  




My readings today are about intention/focus and becoming stronger with meditation.  One of the main points was that meditation or other spiritual disciplines give us the tools (tenacity, toughness, you pick the noun) to take hold of our lives.  

("Slow Down. Listen")

And then my brain moves to many things: preparing the room for a friend who will be staying for a week; getting wool things mended and put in the cedar chest; letting go of things I brought here - but have no place for; and the ad infinitum list of things for work.  

 "Slow Down. Listen."






It moves to getting a doctor's appointment for my eye and skin; to stating clarity with someone who has been pursuing a relationship/friendship/not sure what to call it with me (Clarity needed.  Obviously.); to lying around and watching Netflix; to getting an exercise program started so that I can begin more rigorous hiking and make sure that this body is in good working shape; to digging on the hillside and planting flowers and vegetables.   

"Slow down. Listen."

When I see all of those things that are in my head listed there in black and white on the page in front of me, then it seems clear to me that  practice in listening, meditation, or other spiritual undertaking seems right. 

Oh - and another one: getting instructors names into FLAC so that their Blackboard pops up.  That's a work thing.  

And my grandmother's clock seems to want to go faster and faster - no matter how low I have the pendulum swinging.  Is it an outward sign of my own speeding up?  

"SLOW DOWN. LISTEN. SLOW DOWN. LISTEN."

Meditation.  Planning.  More time needed in both.  Living with intention - and ensuring that there is some sort of a balance in my work and play and spiritual nourishment - seems to be really important.  

And now it's time to exercise.  Then sit?  Wait...am I hearing something????

Maybe it's time to Slow Down, and Listen.

April 25th, 2017: Well, Already I am Rushed.

I can see that today is different.  I woke up and didn't do the reading first.  I pulled up my iPad (which is also my alarm since my trusty clock of many years went kaput) and checked the weather first.  Would I be walking to work or not today?

Not.  Raining.  And then onto checking the dates for the Falcon Ridge Folk Festival, which took one part of my brain to how I need to do the final on-line for the last day of the class I teach this summer, given the dates.  

Which led me to dip into Fb.

Which led me to some news stories.  








And, at some point, I "woke up" (after my body had been awake for awhile) and realized that I had not done my

reading first.

They were both on "Love."  Good.  Seeing - really seeing - and being present with others.  A good thing to read. 

Interesting Choice of Words...

Right now I am interested in the term I used above:

  "led."  

And that is another "wake up."

There is a huge difference in being "led" by Spirit and being "led" by Fb - or any other enticement.  Call me crazy, but I think the difference is in the "Spirit" part.  And, call me crazy again, but there is something powerful in my "choice" of what I "follow."  And, crazy as I go, discernment is key.

Without taking the time to "Listen," and "Discern," choices are - at the very least - less informed.  At the most, they are susceptible to not being choices at all.  

Ruh-Roh.  Time to Listen.  

Duh.  

And it's up to me to make a choice.

April 24th, 2017: Random Thoughts

Today's readings: heaven and hell are "states of mind"

rather than geographical locations; it may seem like living in a cave or in the woods would be a reflection of a "spiritual life;" however, it is in the trenches and challenges of everyday

life - where we have to get along with others whom we may not like or love - where our spirituality can be practiced.  

Funny - I've thought both of these things before - especially the first one.  The second one has been more than "thinking," but also  has been experienced.  And here's what I've noticed recently: that when I begin to curse more;

when I start having pretend conversations with people - out loud - where I am defending my position; when I feel resentment and a lack of motivation; then I have worked too much.  It's

about more than a lack of motivation, but is also about not having (or taking?) the time to feed and nourish myself in the way that I like.  It is about having too many things on my list that I "need" to do, and not having enough things on my list that I "want" to do.  

Yep - right here.  Right now.  It's one of those times.  

And here's another thought that I have had recently: the feeling of "God."  The feeling of being totally loved, cared for, and connected to something bigger than myself.  Isn't

that what it is like in the womb?  There is a biological connection to something bigger than myself?  And is this connection to "God," - to "Spirit" - more than our brain's distant biological memory of growing in the womb - of being connected to something and/or someone bigger than ourselves?  And the caption in the pic - if you can't read it - is an imagined conversation between twins.  It says "...do you think there is life after birth?  Do you believe in Mom?"  "Nah, I don't believe these things.  I'm an atheist.  I mean have you ever seen Mom?"  

Well...there are twisted, imaginative minds like mine. I'm not feeling so alone. 






And yet - some of us have the capacity to carry this feeling forward with us more so than others.  I know this - this connection - on a very deep level.  I know that my cousin Suzanne feels the same way...that my Gramma Lena felt this...How is that?  That some - seemingly more so than others - have an ease with which that connection takes place?  

Big questions for a Monday morning.  

And needs on a Monday morning?  There are the tasks: getting ready for Wednesday's meeting and this evening's teaching and many other things to numerous to mention. 

I am also feeling that I want to exercise - a lot.  And I want to camp - a lot.  And I want to dig in the dirt on the hillside and plant flowers.  And I want to clean my apartment.  And I want to do many things that are not connected at all to the tasks. 

And my alarm goes off.  So - today - exercise first - maybe a run outside?  Shower.  Pray.  Then head out for the day.

Whoops?  I've got it backwards?  Naahhhh....

 

April 23rd, 2017: Stuck in the Middle with You

Well, well, well...I find myself hijacked.  I am in an unusual situation where my boss is also - technically - one of my supervisees.  She wears two different roles - and I don't

think either of us knows the best way to move forward. I found myself in a dither last night before going to bed - couldn't readily fall asleep - head spinning.  And here I am on a Sunday morning, still trying to make sense of it.  


Hmmm...haven't been in this sort of space for a long time.  It's a clear sign that my boundaries have

been crossed, and that I am not centered...connected to Spirit in the way that I would like.  That's what I mean by "hijacked."






It is difficult to keep someone "in the loop" when their orbit takes them "out of the loop" for much of the time. 

Conversation does not stop when the "errant orbiter" leaves the grid.  Those of us remaining in closer, more synchronized orbits carry on.  We continue to discuss.  And we thoroughly and, almost painfully, thresh a situation until we are very, very done.  


At some point in time, the decisions we make regarding our own orbital paths will need to be enough.  And it seems that, as the director, I need to be the one to declare "enough" so that my staff and I can "be done."  Clear communication paths that are more easily identifiable need to be established:  I need to be clear when I am speaking with my boss - and when I am speaking with my supervisee. Or - if there is only one role, i.e., "boss," then I need to be clear about how I will maintain my integrity within that encounter.

It is a tricky road for me: receiving mentorship while still
owning directorship.  Listening for advice and

suggestions, yet not always taking them.  Finding that path - that unclear pathwhere each moment will yield its own decision that will be for the greatest good for all concerned - seems like it will take a little bit of both: listening for mentoring wisdom, yet making the best possible decision based on the information I have. 


And perhaps that is where my learning is...accepting that the path may lie in the process of discovery - of finding my way each time - that results in an outcome specific to each instance - and in the long run - for the growth of all concerned.  Perhaps the steps are these:  
 

Get Grounded. 

Ask, "What is the Best Course of action for the Greatest Good of All Concerned?  What must I do to contribute?" 

Then, Seek Spirit's Voice in the Silence....

and Listen. 

 

April 21, 2017: When Tired, Stop, Wait, and Listen More

Knowing that those we love are hurting is most unpleasant.  There is not a lot we can say, nor is there much we can do.  Seeing their loneliness is even harder.  It breaks my heart.  I know nothing if not this: I can't fix it.  I can't make it different by being a better person, by making sure to dot all of my "i's" and cross my "t's."  I can only sit and witness, and hold them - and myself - in the Light.

Not much sleep last night.  Yesterday and last night was one of those days and nights where I needed to sleep...to simply "be" and not "do" anything.  My brain is tired.  I was nodding off around 6:30 but still continued to watch the rest of "13 Reasons Why."  Omigoodness.  Sick to my stomach over it.  I knew I would be - but I didn't know my stomach would feel this badly.  When my daughter texted at 11:30pm and asked if I was up - I was worried.  I was almost asleep, but woke myself to chat with her.  Then, I could not settle into sleep.  I tossed and turned all night.

Today, readings are about practicing meditation, and choosing the path we follow in relation to feelings.  The easy answers were "practice" and "choice" respectively.  I think what it is interesting to me is that before either of these happen for me, I have to connect to Spirit.  Yet the feelings and thinkings in this human form can function to make that connection harder to find and keep.  Such a funny thing, really...a choice to experience this human form can make it more difficult for us to connect with Spirit in which we were dwelling before we made the choice to leave and experience the human form.

And I thought of what we must experience while we are still in the womb.  Are we not connected to something much bigger than ourselves?  And to which we are connected to for sustenance?  And leaving that place - omigoodness! - is that our first true grief?  And then feeling the human touch after that physiological connection has been broken - is that our first true memory of relief?

And - are all leavings that way - moving from a place of familiarity to a place that feels strange and so different - so unconnected?  This will take more thought than what this tired, old human form can support right now.  It needs more than the 3-4 hours of sleep it received this past night.

Today, it will be doubly important to sink into the Seed of Spirit...to listen for what Spirit has to say, and lean into the leadings it offers, so that my wheels don't make ruts from their spinning.

April 20th, 2017:

One reading this morning addressed "learning how to die" - how to gracefully slip out of this vessel we call a body, and allowing our spirit to move on.  The other was about - well - respect for ourselves and others.

I ended up reading some of my former writing.  The few that I randomly chose from the many I have written since 2014 - had to do with respecting myself in this way: owning my talents, stepping into my talents - so that they are not wasted.  One of today's readings, said this: "To know what is best for someone, I have to be able to step aside from my own predjudices and preconceptions, and slip into that person's shoes...looking at life through his eyes rather than my own....When I step back again, I will have seen his needs from the inside; only then can I see clearly how to serve those needs with detachment and compassion."  (Gender issues acknowledged.  Please substitute the pronoun of your choice.)

I would posit this: that we must do this for ourselves as well.  After reading former writings, I realize that one of the best gifts I gave myself was owning the gifts that I had - that some of the criticism and lack of acknowledgement from others came from their misunderstanding of the work I was trying to do.  Until I could step aside from what I was being told, and objectively "slip" into my own shoes and examine my life with unbiased eyes - perhaps from perspective of Spirit? - my wheels would only spin in place.  

When I look back now, I am amazed at my courage and strength.   Who knew the story that was being written at the time?  But then - really - do any of us know the story when we are in the middle of the plot?  Many times, all we know is pain and confusion.  And then the choice comes to "sit" with the hurt and confusion, examine it objectively, and move through it toward what seems Spiritually accurate at the time.  

Yesterday, at the 5-year academic program review for Mercy's occupational therapy program, I realized - and deeply knew - that I have miraculously ended up where I am supposed to be.  And after reviewing some of my former posts, I can more clearly see how I got here.  It really had to do with boundaries.

We sometimes think of boundaries as something that "protects" us from others.  While this may be true, for me it was more about acknowledging, claiming, and stepping into the gifts that were "inside" my boundaries.  I had to get out of my own biased way of viewing myself, and slip into shoes that - up to that point - had remained unclaimed by some of my better pieces.  I had to - perhaps - view myself from "Spirit's" perspective, rather than my own. 

Arriving here, now, in this place, is sort of like this: Someone who has journeyed through life moving "to the beat of a different drum"  seems to have found a band.  It's not about my heart, or my inner child, or feeling "loved" by others.  It's not even about a feeling of "home."  It is about sharing the gifts I know that I am supposed to be sharing at the right time, and in the right space and place. 

Scary?  You betcha.  Lonely?  Yep, that too.  Gratifying? Yes.  Spiritually accurate?  As far as I can tell.  An arrival?  An end point?   There's no way to tell.  Only this: treating it as such - a final destination - seems inaccurate.  It has happened before, and will happen again.  Rather, it's simply one more stop along this wonderfully human-life journey.  

Pictures later.  Time to get rolling into the day.

April 19th, 2017: Slow Down

Today's readings: one about the hurry, hurry, hurry culture that we have, and the other about how those small instances where God shows itself leave us hungering for more.

What came to mind was a "song message" I received at the close of meeting at Friend's General Conference.  

"I'm leaving home to journey home; 
I will take you with me 
        wherever I may roam. 
Unfettered love...abounding grace; 
I will take it forward 
        when I leave this place." 


I am so aware that I have not been singing.  And, when I try to sing, it is hard to get to that spiritual place that used to come so easy.  When I hike, it's later in my walk that music finally comes.  

As I write this, what comes to me is that I have not taken the time to "listen" for the music that - perhaps - wants to come through me.  And as I sit with that, what comes is that I have not found a set of "peeps" here where that gift can be shared. 

And is conversation and living with Spirit much more than a "habit?"  All readings point to regular meditation growing a desire for more of the same. Will that happen again with my music?  And I notice that I write "my music."  

And I am tired.  One night of staying later at work has thrown off all of the good "juju" that I built this past weekend with my two days of 10,000 steps plus.  

Ha! I look at what I have written, and I see almost 6 different topics.  How about a 7th?  I am aware of a deep longing in my throat, sitting right on top of the place where my clavicles meet my sternum - my sternal notch?  Or is that simply the spot where the grief in my heart is getting stuck?  And I am tired.  I need a vacation where I can cry until I can't anymore.  

And the thing that makes me the saddest right now?  I think - "Omigod - sister Evangeline is dead."  That feisty old nun on "Call the Midwife" has left a hole that is bigger than my heart can hold - I think because her death is only a reminder that all life passes.  All - and who - I know and and love will pass - some of it and them before me, and some of it and them long after I am already gone.  And what touches me most of that episode is how those remaining kept her with them - even after she was gone. 

And I start to cry, and then I yawn...and I giggle.  My body

does not seem to know whether to cry, yawn - or laugh!  Is my body so tired that it can't support a good cry - but yawns instead?  How weird is that?  

I miss my peeps - and when I say that, I am thinking about NYM.  And I'm not sure that I miss the people, as I do the "space."  And that

sort of brings me full circle to where I started, I think - with Quakers, and leaving home to journey home.  So, perhaps, all of those other ramblings were just a way to slow down (remember the first reading?) and help me try to grow a little deeper into this grief. 



Finding a home here won't assuage the grief - and still, perhaps it's time to settle in here, where my Spirit can
recognize something familiar and feel at home - even if invisible - among others.

I have left my home, to journey to a place that - perhaps - is supposed to be my home but does not yet feel like it.  That does not mean that I have to leave what my "home" has given me.  I can take it forward - from my familiar place, to this new one.  

And I am smiling...the only way to "break through" is to "sit in."  Another case of seeming opposites that must be held next and close to each other in my hands at the same time. 

The Buddha might say that I must let go of my attachment to these feelings to be free.    


What if I don't want to be free of them?  What if I am in love with the physical manifestation of my spirit here on this planet, and I am already grieving its loss before it's gone?  What if longing and heartache are simply a few reminders of how beautifully human we are, and what a joy it is to be on this planet at this time?  

And while I could easily be pulled into a discussion about how and when we leave this place, I won't...at least right now.  Better to stay smack in the middle of "holding" and "being" in a fused dichotomy.

It really is all one.