November 15th: Too Early; I'm Tired

My body was awake at 5:30 again this morning.  I'm not sure what I have done for the last 2 hours, but I know I have been reading things on my computer.  I found a friend's website.  Her site led me to another with some wonderful circle singing songs.  I found my last two blog posts.  Here's what struck me:

My first post regarding my unfavorable promotion portfolio news seemed more balanced.  My second one was more angry - but seemed more to the point.  In the end of that second post, I acknowledged what I know are some of my weak areas, but also acknowledged that my audience may simply not be in my playing field.  

There is some power in acknowledging that my context bears some of the burden in the difference in "fields." Talent in one's own back yard often goes overlooked.  I have overlooked my own - my talents within my own yard (front and back) - due to my inability to step into and own who I am;  to set boundaries so that the place where I leave off and the next person begins is more clear; to value my own opinion of myself as highly as I have valued the opinions of others.  

There is something to be said about living one's truth with humility and strength - open to the opinion of others, yet being clear when those opinions are uninformed…about walking away from those uninformed opinions with grace; about pursuing one's inner truth and finding a place where that truth can be manifested in this real, physical world, so that all can benefit. 

The anger in my second post is not an enemy - it may even be an angel who helps me own the gifts that I have been given.  In any case, it is a heartfelt warning that I may be dangerously close to accepting someone else's truth as my own, and a "shot across the bow" to hunker down with Spirit to ensure that I'm not giving away essential pieces of what I need to do the best work I can on this Earth, right here, right now.  

Those two posts?  

I am seeing progress.  

I am seeing balance.  

And that's a good thing.  

http://michellefischer.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/balance.jpg

November 13th: Second 2:30am Wake-Up in As Many Days: Awakened with a Rant

My head is still spinning from being told that I need to re-write my promotion narrative.  Now, though, rather than feeling the pain of not fitting in, I am pissed.  Basically, I remember my boss saying, "I didn't try to defend or explain what you had said.  Rather, I felt that it needed to stand on its own."  Thanks for the support.  Let me rephrase your words:  "What you are doing is beyond what I can understand.  I don't know how to explain it - so I didn't."  How convenient.  You can be the conduit through which the promotion committee speaks - and side-step having to understand my work.  You can tell me you "want me to be successful" and appear supportive without having to say anything other than what the promotion committee has told you.

Every time you mentioned outcomes, and I named a specific outcome that was in the portfolio, and asked if it was an outcome, you had a blank look on your face.  "That was in there?" was your statement.  I don't think you have any idea what I am doing - and, if you do - my guess is that you think that it is my little quirky way of teaching…of looking at the details too closely…of working too hard.  You don't see it as a legitimate practice.  If you did, your behavior with the committee would not have been to "stand back and let the portfolio stand on its own merit," without you offering any words of support or explanation.

And while that "standing back and letting it stand on its own merits" is a wonderful way of using natural consequences for an adolescent, it's one of the worst ways I know of when it comes to mentoring - when it comes to someone who is open to feedback in the way that an adolescent is not.  Figure it out, Deborah.  Make it dry.  Just the facts.  Wonderful.  How does one translate an iterative process into black and white?  Help me.  Don't just tell me to "do it."  Otherwise I might think that you don't know how to do it yourself.  Wait….did I just say that out loud?  Damn.  There I go again with the truth telling.

I have to consider the fact that the work I do - the way that I teach - is beyond my peers with whom I now work.  It is not "all" about me and my writing.  While I fully recognize that I need to be able to write in a way that is understood by others, there is something about others' not fully understanding my work that is part of this equation.  I can work towards improving my writing and being more clear; however, I must also acknowledge that even when I am clear as a crystal bell, there will be those who still can't understand - and this has everything to do with them, and very little to do with me.

I am trying to let this season…It seems like I am being pulled towards writing a revision for the promotion committee.  I need to be sure that it is "right action."

November 12th: 3:43 in the Morning…Oy

Well…I got the word yesterday, and what I thought would happen did indeed happen: the manner in which I wrote my promotion narrative was overwhelming to the readers…too dense…margins too small…evidence of process with no outcomes…my department would put my name forward for promotion, but the teaching section of my narrative needs work before they will do so.  

I do not feel devastated.  I know that I'm doing good work.  I know that all of the feedback was accurate.  I know that they will not put forth a portfolio that they do not believe will be successful.  Basically, my writing style and the way I approached this

"promotion undertaking" is unfamiliar, and, let's face it, may not be understood by others across campus if my own department cannot understand it.   

Any or all of the following may be possible:  1) too much process, and not enough outcomes; and/or, 2) my process spoke so loudly that the outcomes were not visible to the readers; and/or, 3) we are speaking different languages.  

The next question is this:  do I want to change it and have the revised version posted by November 24th?  I don't know.  I don't know if it is worth it.  I am falling behind in my teaching, and the students are getting short-changed.  This means that I'm not supporting what I value, and, instead, am trying to engage and be

successful in a process that I don't value.  

Let me be clear: I could give a rat's ass about the "full professor" title - I simply need the money.    



Common sense seems to dictate that I need a different job.

There are all sorts of pros and cons to this.  If money is an issue, then here is the bottom line:  my national organization tells me that the mean salary for someone like me is 10 grand more a year than what I am presently making.  The La Crosse school district salary schedule for a clinician in the schools is about that.  Even with the re-write, and the possible promotion, I will only be getting half that.  I guess it comes down to which is more preferable: putting together a vitae/job portfolio, or re-writing the damn narrative?  It seems like the former might be more fun…at least the prospects seem a little brighter.

There is a piece of me that is thinking:  we have a fantastic group of students right now, from the first year cohort to the 3rd year cohort that will graduate this December.  Perhaps it's best to exit while the leaving is good.  

What I know is this:  my teaching has suffered as I have worked many hours of overtime in order to write this narrative.  My goal of self-study has been reached: I am teaching like I want to be teaching.  Is it perfect?  Nope.  

Are all of my lessons in the best order?  Nope.  I know, however, that I am connecting the student learning objectives with assignments, and that the assessment measures I have in place are, in fact, showing me that students are attaining the objectives.  I know that I am making a difference.  My "self-study" during this promotion process has shown me that.  Am I writing  it in the way that my colleagues understand?  Nope.  How important is that?  Important if I want more money - otherwise, not so important.  

It really seems that, if I am in this for the money, then I can take my skills elsewhere…whether it be clinical or academic.  

I'm not getting the leading that I should rush out of here…I am getting the leading, however, that I am growing closer and closer to the time for leaving…that I should be gathering myself…that I need to listen to my body, listen to Spirit, and listen for directions as to my next steps, the first of which will be a decision as to whether or not I need to re-do the teaching portion of my narrative.

I know that I look deeply at things.  Perhaps what is needed is less depth.  Not everyone examines things to the depth that I do.  This feedback came from someone I respect who has seen my committee work…my writing could be less detailed.  
So, what might this look like in relation to my teaching narrative?  I don't know, right now.  Perhaps I'll find out if I choose to revise it.  

Oy, I hope that I can sleep a little bit.  
My body is tired.  It feels worn out, and needs rest. 
Perhaps my spirit, too. 

Dear Spirit…help me see true.  

Help me address those things that will support me in my life's work on this planet, and in this incarnation.  

May I release those things that hinder my moving forward.  

May I hear your voice plainly. 

May my path be clear. 

May my next steps be sure, direct, and ever toward the Light.  Amen.

  
square peg in round hole: http://centurymanagement.ie/wp-content/uploads/square-peg-round-hole.jpg
rat's ass card:  http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/aee03b7ed4dcb2a88aae7303d765ac28.png
standing tall: http://westoop.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/orangestickman.jpg

October 26th: Yes, The Light Does Shine

Two postings in less than two days.  Quite a come back after weeks of silence.  Well - not silence.  Just no postings.

  

I re-read my last post.  It pretty much captured the moment.  As I looked back on that time, and remembered those feelings, I can say that, yes, my words captured it - perhaps not the intensity - but accurate, for the most part.

And yesterday, I woke up, hung out for a bit, and then fell back on a ritual that got me through grad school:  put on clothes, go to Rosie's Diner, have breakfast (including coffee), go to my office, crank out the work.  

The coffee is an essential ingredient.  The first time that I became really aware of its effects on me was in my former sister-in-law's apartment.  I had stopped by to pick up her Kelly Blue Book (yes, another car crash - I had parked my car at a friend's house in St. Louis while I accompanied her on a canoe trip for able-bodied and dis-able bodied middle schoolers.  Someone stole my car, took it for a joy ride, and crashed it into an electric pole - a much bigger mess than the deer incident) - hmmm…where was I?….Oh, yes, my sister-in-law's.  Anyway, she had some sort of fru-fru coffee cooking (hazelnut?), and she and her brother were sitting and having coffee.  She asked me if I wanted some.  I didn't drink coffee at the time.  I thought it tasted horrible. However, I was checking out her brother, who was looking pretty good, and so I said, "Sure!  I'd love some!"  I don't honestly remember how things progressed, but at some point in time, I had one of those out-of-body-awareness experiences, where I saw myself in the situation.  Here's what I realized: I had been talking non-stop for about 15 minutes (it may have been shorter, but it SEEMED like 15 minutes).

 And, while I continued to chatter, I thought, "Oh my god!  You have been talking non-stop for a very long time!" As I was thinking this, and observing myself, I actually watched myself say, "I-have-just-become-very-aware-that-I-have-been-talking-nonstop-for-a-very-long-time-so-I-am-going-to-shut-up-now."  The room became deadly silent - I mean DEADLY silent - for what was probably seconds, but felt like minutes or hours.  Then, my future-sister-in-law said, "Hmm.  You don't do drugs much, do you Deborah?"  

In the next week or so, her brother and I met for coffee at a local shop.  We chatted for a bit, and then he said, "Can I get you a cup of Joe?"  I replied, "That would be great!  Oh - decaf."  There was a beat, and then he said, "Yeah. (another beat)  I remember."  

And as I write those words, I grieve for the innocence of that time, when we both believed that we could face the world and reach our dreams.  What I know for me is that, while my dreams are not the same as they were then with regard to a relationship, they do not feel altered with regard to my destiny. The ending of my marriage is/was one more occurrence in my life that adds to who I am, and who I am growing into.  

And that person kicked ass yesterday, and almost has a draft of her personal statement for the damned promotion completed.  And speaking of that promotion: I did ask for an extension, given the events that have happened in the last few days/weeks, and I did get a couple of days, at least.  Asking for that was a huge step forward for me.  It was practice in supporting myself.

And here's what I've come to with regard to the promotion: it is a "self-study."  Period.  A time of reflection for me.  Am I doing what I want to be doing?  Am I teaching in the way that I want to?  Am I growing in the way that I want to?  I am a very process oriented person.  This means that I teach to "processes" rather than "content."  Evaluating "processes," such as how students think, and how they improve their thinking processes, is difficult - and, well - process oriented in itself.  This means that my portfolio is

going to look different than others.  I won't have pre-post tests, nor will I have great student evaluation numbers (students prefer structured content over process, along with a clear path to the "A"). I will have examples of rubrics, feedback to students, emails, and student work samples.  Those will take me time to construct.  HOWEVER: this portfolio is for me.  It is a self-study on my own integrity and abilities. My goal is for it to reflect an accurate picture of myself and my abilities.  If the powers that be do not see it worthy of promotion, it is not necessarily a reflection on me or my abilities.  Rather, it is a sign - another red flag - that I am in a context where who I am and what I do is not valued.  This would affirm things that I have been thinking and feeling for awhile, now.  (And did you notice that the picture for the melt-down and the transformation is the same?  But I digress…that's a different entry.)

Here is the more dangerous question:  What does it mean if they DO promote me?  

Right now?  I am thinking of one of my Quaker friends who asked me, "And what will you do now that something about you has been described as normal?"  

And so, another great step through the process of life.  Now, off to work to prepare for another day.

Love,

Deborah

transformation image: http://wisdomoftheangels.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/SpiritualTransformation1.jpg

coffee high: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/hbD1kJhuz9Q/TpKDuyY1twI/AAAAAAAABaM/fIOWNME0WZ8/s1600/coffee+high.jpg

heart:http://www.riversideonline.com/employees/myhealthylifestyle/newsletter/images/British20Heart20Foundation_1.jpg

rosie powerful woman: http://iamapowerfulwoman.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Rosie.jpg

puzzled: http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/puzzled-man-jigsaw-pieces-25167533.jpg

October 24th - A Shit Hole…but the worst is over (or not).

Whew…not even sure where to begin.  What a stuck Lucky Duck I am.  I am realizing that I am petrified of moving forward - into what, I don't even know.  There have been so many years of me feeling less than, that it has become more a part of me than I care to realize.  Where did that confident person go?  She got lost in the years at this job…of feeling less than…of not measuring up to the culture...So, I guess, fear of moving forward because I feel so less than what I did when I first took this job.  Yes.  I have grown into "less than" over the years, and, for some reason, it is converging this evening.  And you know…this just can't be good for the lymphoma.

The job interview I did this summer was a good thing.  It helped me see the qualities that I have.  And even as I write, I can feel my chest tighten…my throat tighten…my eyes feel tired…my stomach feels hollow…and as Pema Chodrin will say…."feel it…breathe into it…compassionate being with yourself."

The timing of AFGO's is really not under my purview.  "AFGO's?" you ask.  "Another Fucking Growth Opportunity," I answer.  "An acronym from my dear ex-in-law's."  And so I find myself in another AFGO - always welcome…not always pleasant, and yet, I would not trade them.

And so I sit here…and feel my tight chest…my tight throat…my hot tears…my tired and hungry body. I want wine, and decide against it.  Not good to numb this stuff.  I keep yawning - "release," one of my former therapists would call it.

And I remember tapping…and so I tap.  What comes up is fear.  Fear of stepping into who I am.  Fear of stepping into my destiny.  Fear of being unable to pull my promotion packet together.  Fear of not getting the promotion after all of the work of putting together the packet.  Fear, sobbing, crying, breathing heavy, more fear, more fright, more sobbing…and then it slowly quiets…and then I sit in meditation.

And I'm worried about the semester.  I started out very well: organized; good preparation; good lessons.  I feel them all slipping away, as I attempt to juggle everything that is on my plate.  Hitting the deer and totaling my car put was a challenge - but seemed doable.  It was just another thing - a part of life.  But then, the earlier than anticipated deadline for the promotion packet ramped things up…not being able to get a refund from the hotel (I didn't cancel because - well - I killed a deer with my car instead) pissed me off.  The technology in my classroom fucking up every single time since last week - for three straight class periods - added to the load.  And then my daughter's father deciding at the last minute to leave town for the weekend - when my daughter has some larger transportation needs, and I have to get a promotion packet together…

Let's just say that things added up exponentially, and leave it at that.

Jesus - is it any wonder that I'm tapping my li'l heart out?  Life is sending me some pretty big lemons - and the worst part is that it is taking my other ingredients AND the time I need to make lemonade.  I've just got one, big, sour, fucking mess.

So how do I move forward?  I guess I just do it.  Ask for help…sit quietly and listen for Spirit…remember that my helpers are near, and will help if I only ask, and then receive their offerings.

I am so tired, now.  I always am after a good cry, and/or some sort of catharsis.  I am glad to have the house to myself this evening.

The thought has entered my mind more than once: is the clinical job in Winona schools gone?  Has someone taken it?  Is that my next step forward?  I don't think that it is - but it might be.

This is probably one of the most - if not the most - disorganized pieces of writing that I've posted.  Right now, though, I don't give a shit.  It is out of me - and that is the first step.  What seems most important now is that I eat, as I am suddenly noticing that I am hungry.  I'm going to make some eggs and then take a bath and go to bed.  Nourishing myself as if I were a small child seems important right now.  Hmmmm…maybe a protein smoothie with those wonderful sour Door County cherries is even a better idea.  Ice cream would be even better.  Maybe I've got some yogurt in there, and I could mix it with those montmorency cherries…yum.  That would be pretty damn good - and even better if I ate them in a hot bath.

My body has calmed.  I am still feeling tight in my chest, but my stomach does not feel as hollow.  My throat still feels tight.  When I imagined myself going to Perkin's to eat, it brought tears to my eyes - again.  So I'll eat here at home.  Frozen waffles and eggs.  Comfort food.

Ahhhhh…..could this be a healing crisis with my new homeopathic remedy?  If so, I think I'm ready for it to stop.  I need a breather.

Love.  Food. Prayer. Sleep.  Some of the best remedies I know.  They are good for me, and what's good for me will help heal the lymphoma, I'll bet.  And that includes this li'l ole breakdown this evening.

G'Night.

October 10th: Light, Dark, and an Eclipse

I had a draft that had been sitting, waiting to be published, since September 18th.  No time.  Work is demanding.  Staying prepared for all of my courses - two of which are new - is challenging.  All of my work that I've done over the summer in support of my health is slowly falling by the wayside, and gets less attention than it has.  I don't like this.  Either I have to change within my present situation, or my context has to change.  I don't see my present job context changing in the near future.  So, I'm going to state this here: I need to begin the search for another job.  Stating here will help make me accountable to myself.  The trick, I think, is in fully and clearly describing what I want to do.  Go back to clinical work?  Find an academic position where I can get the mentoring I need for my scholarly endeavors?  Open my own business again?  What is it that I want to do?

More needs to be written in this area.  I'm not sure how to carve out the time to "Listen" more.  However, there is no other way, but to listen.

Slight interruption: both my daughter and I were awake at 3:45 this morning - although we both went back to bed.  How weird.  However, now that we are up for our day, she called to me: the moon is in a full eclipse.  What a joy to see with her!  There is just a small crescent left on the right side.  Soon the shadow will cover the whole moon, and then after that, the light will be begin to shine again on the left side.  The moon again will be shining full light.  

And isn't this how it is with us humans, as well?  Periods of darkness, followed by light?  Ebb and flow, light and dark?  And yet - for me - even in darkness I can feel the presence of The Light.  

I am a Lucky Duck.

September 12: What Will You Do Now that Something About You has been called "Normal"?

No picture right now - no time.  Good news that must be shared, though - so a bare bones entry that will be expanded later.

I saw my clinician yesterday.  It seems that my white blood cell count has dropped back into the "typical" range.  I guess this lymphoma can go in fits and starts - and right now…well, I'm not sure whether it is the "fit" or the "start," - but it is in the typical range.

I am not totally in the clear: I have a blood test in 3 months, and then another in 6 months at which time I will see my clinician.  However, as my friend pointed out, the counts are in the normal range.  The title of this post was a query he had for me this morning…what will you do now that something about you has been called "normal?"...we HOWLED!  It was a great way to begin our morning meditation over Skype. 

And his query was such a good one; it really was full of poignancy - so humorous, yet so truthful.  It was the mark of a good friend: one who can point out our "realness" with humor and grace.  There is that connection (according to Myss and Hays) between blood and lymph cancers and the first chakra: questions about belonging; questions about feeling "a part of" a tribe.  So my "root chakra" relates to some of my "root" questions in my spiritual/emotional growth: Do I belong?  Can I belong?  Am I able to take in the love that is offered to me?  Will I let myself truly trust it and take it in?  All of these were questions I had to address this past summer as I explored my Stage IV Lymphoma diagnosis - and will continue to address as I move forward.  I would say that there is a "yes" answer to all of them - an answer that began tentatively, and grows stronger by the minute.  

These questions - and my attraction to people who are (and to me being) a titch away from  "average" -  are too large to address right now, as I am running off to work.  However, they are calling for some attention - which they will be given.  For right now, though, I think I will rest comfortably in something about me being "normal."  It seems like a wonderful, celebratory place to be.

Today? Awe, Grace, Gratitude…I am a Lucky Duck.