November 12th: 3:43 in the Morning…Oy

Well…I got the word yesterday, and what I thought would happen did indeed happen: the manner in which I wrote my promotion narrative was overwhelming to the readers…too dense…margins too small…evidence of process with no outcomes…my department would put my name forward for promotion, but the teaching section of my narrative needs work before they will do so.  

I do not feel devastated.  I know that I'm doing good work.  I know that all of the feedback was accurate.  I know that they will not put forth a portfolio that they do not believe will be successful.  Basically, my writing style and the way I approached this

"promotion undertaking" is unfamiliar, and, let's face it, may not be understood by others across campus if my own department cannot understand it.   

Any or all of the following may be possible:  1) too much process, and not enough outcomes; and/or, 2) my process spoke so loudly that the outcomes were not visible to the readers; and/or, 3) we are speaking different languages.  

The next question is this:  do I want to change it and have the revised version posted by November 24th?  I don't know.  I don't know if it is worth it.  I am falling behind in my teaching, and the students are getting short-changed.  This means that I'm not supporting what I value, and, instead, am trying to engage and be

successful in a process that I don't value.  

Let me be clear: I could give a rat's ass about the "full professor" title - I simply need the money.    



Common sense seems to dictate that I need a different job.

There are all sorts of pros and cons to this.  If money is an issue, then here is the bottom line:  my national organization tells me that the mean salary for someone like me is 10 grand more a year than what I am presently making.  The La Crosse school district salary schedule for a clinician in the schools is about that.  Even with the re-write, and the possible promotion, I will only be getting half that.  I guess it comes down to which is more preferable: putting together a vitae/job portfolio, or re-writing the damn narrative?  It seems like the former might be more fun…at least the prospects seem a little brighter.

There is a piece of me that is thinking:  we have a fantastic group of students right now, from the first year cohort to the 3rd year cohort that will graduate this December.  Perhaps it's best to exit while the leaving is good.  

What I know is this:  my teaching has suffered as I have worked many hours of overtime in order to write this narrative.  My goal of self-study has been reached: I am teaching like I want to be teaching.  Is it perfect?  Nope.  

Are all of my lessons in the best order?  Nope.  I know, however, that I am connecting the student learning objectives with assignments, and that the assessment measures I have in place are, in fact, showing me that students are attaining the objectives.  I know that I am making a difference.  My "self-study" during this promotion process has shown me that.  Am I writing  it in the way that my colleagues understand?  Nope.  How important is that?  Important if I want more money - otherwise, not so important.  

It really seems that, if I am in this for the money, then I can take my skills elsewhere…whether it be clinical or academic.  

I'm not getting the leading that I should rush out of here…I am getting the leading, however, that I am growing closer and closer to the time for leaving…that I should be gathering myself…that I need to listen to my body, listen to Spirit, and listen for directions as to my next steps, the first of which will be a decision as to whether or not I need to re-do the teaching portion of my narrative.

I know that I look deeply at things.  Perhaps what is needed is less depth.  Not everyone examines things to the depth that I do.  This feedback came from someone I respect who has seen my committee work…my writing could be less detailed.  
So, what might this look like in relation to my teaching narrative?  I don't know, right now.  Perhaps I'll find out if I choose to revise it.  

Oy, I hope that I can sleep a little bit.  
My body is tired.  It feels worn out, and needs rest. 
Perhaps my spirit, too. 

Dear Spirit…help me see true.  

Help me address those things that will support me in my life's work on this planet, and in this incarnation.  

May I release those things that hinder my moving forward.  

May I hear your voice plainly. 

May my path be clear. 

May my next steps be sure, direct, and ever toward the Light.  Amen.

  
square peg in round hole: http://centurymanagement.ie/wp-content/uploads/square-peg-round-hole.jpg
rat's ass card:  http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/aee03b7ed4dcb2a88aae7303d765ac28.png
standing tall: http://westoop.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/orangestickman.jpg

October 26th: Yes, The Light Does Shine

Two postings in less than two days.  Quite a come back after weeks of silence.  Well - not silence.  Just no postings.

  

I re-read my last post.  It pretty much captured the moment.  As I looked back on that time, and remembered those feelings, I can say that, yes, my words captured it - perhaps not the intensity - but accurate, for the most part.

And yesterday, I woke up, hung out for a bit, and then fell back on a ritual that got me through grad school:  put on clothes, go to Rosie's Diner, have breakfast (including coffee), go to my office, crank out the work.  

The coffee is an essential ingredient.  The first time that I became really aware of its effects on me was in my former sister-in-law's apartment.  I had stopped by to pick up her Kelly Blue Book (yes, another car crash - I had parked my car at a friend's house in St. Louis while I accompanied her on a canoe trip for able-bodied and dis-able bodied middle schoolers.  Someone stole my car, took it for a joy ride, and crashed it into an electric pole - a much bigger mess than the deer incident) - hmmm…where was I?….Oh, yes, my sister-in-law's.  Anyway, she had some sort of fru-fru coffee cooking (hazelnut?), and she and her brother were sitting and having coffee.  She asked me if I wanted some.  I didn't drink coffee at the time.  I thought it tasted horrible. However, I was checking out her brother, who was looking pretty good, and so I said, "Sure!  I'd love some!"  I don't honestly remember how things progressed, but at some point in time, I had one of those out-of-body-awareness experiences, where I saw myself in the situation.  Here's what I realized: I had been talking non-stop for about 15 minutes (it may have been shorter, but it SEEMED like 15 minutes).

 And, while I continued to chatter, I thought, "Oh my god!  You have been talking non-stop for a very long time!" As I was thinking this, and observing myself, I actually watched myself say, "I-have-just-become-very-aware-that-I-have-been-talking-nonstop-for-a-very-long-time-so-I-am-going-to-shut-up-now."  The room became deadly silent - I mean DEADLY silent - for what was probably seconds, but felt like minutes or hours.  Then, my future-sister-in-law said, "Hmm.  You don't do drugs much, do you Deborah?"  

In the next week or so, her brother and I met for coffee at a local shop.  We chatted for a bit, and then he said, "Can I get you a cup of Joe?"  I replied, "That would be great!  Oh - decaf."  There was a beat, and then he said, "Yeah. (another beat)  I remember."  

And as I write those words, I grieve for the innocence of that time, when we both believed that we could face the world and reach our dreams.  What I know for me is that, while my dreams are not the same as they were then with regard to a relationship, they do not feel altered with regard to my destiny. The ending of my marriage is/was one more occurrence in my life that adds to who I am, and who I am growing into.  

And that person kicked ass yesterday, and almost has a draft of her personal statement for the damned promotion completed.  And speaking of that promotion: I did ask for an extension, given the events that have happened in the last few days/weeks, and I did get a couple of days, at least.  Asking for that was a huge step forward for me.  It was practice in supporting myself.

And here's what I've come to with regard to the promotion: it is a "self-study."  Period.  A time of reflection for me.  Am I doing what I want to be doing?  Am I teaching in the way that I want to?  Am I growing in the way that I want to?  I am a very process oriented person.  This means that I teach to "processes" rather than "content."  Evaluating "processes," such as how students think, and how they improve their thinking processes, is difficult - and, well - process oriented in itself.  This means that my portfolio is

going to look different than others.  I won't have pre-post tests, nor will I have great student evaluation numbers (students prefer structured content over process, along with a clear path to the "A"). I will have examples of rubrics, feedback to students, emails, and student work samples.  Those will take me time to construct.  HOWEVER: this portfolio is for me.  It is a self-study on my own integrity and abilities. My goal is for it to reflect an accurate picture of myself and my abilities.  If the powers that be do not see it worthy of promotion, it is not necessarily a reflection on me or my abilities.  Rather, it is a sign - another red flag - that I am in a context where who I am and what I do is not valued.  This would affirm things that I have been thinking and feeling for awhile, now.  (And did you notice that the picture for the melt-down and the transformation is the same?  But I digress…that's a different entry.)

Here is the more dangerous question:  What does it mean if they DO promote me?  

Right now?  I am thinking of one of my Quaker friends who asked me, "And what will you do now that something about you has been described as normal?"  

And so, another great step through the process of life.  Now, off to work to prepare for another day.

Love,

Deborah

transformation image: http://wisdomoftheangels.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/SpiritualTransformation1.jpg

coffee high: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/hbD1kJhuz9Q/TpKDuyY1twI/AAAAAAAABaM/fIOWNME0WZ8/s1600/coffee+high.jpg

heart:http://www.riversideonline.com/employees/myhealthylifestyle/newsletter/images/British20Heart20Foundation_1.jpg

rosie powerful woman: http://iamapowerfulwoman.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Rosie.jpg

puzzled: http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/puzzled-man-jigsaw-pieces-25167533.jpg

October 24th - A Shit Hole…but the worst is over (or not).

Whew…not even sure where to begin.  What a stuck Lucky Duck I am.  I am realizing that I am petrified of moving forward - into what, I don't even know.  There have been so many years of me feeling less than, that it has become more a part of me than I care to realize.  Where did that confident person go?  She got lost in the years at this job…of feeling less than…of not measuring up to the culture...So, I guess, fear of moving forward because I feel so less than what I did when I first took this job.  Yes.  I have grown into "less than" over the years, and, for some reason, it is converging this evening.  And you know…this just can't be good for the lymphoma.

The job interview I did this summer was a good thing.  It helped me see the qualities that I have.  And even as I write, I can feel my chest tighten…my throat tighten…my eyes feel tired…my stomach feels hollow…and as Pema Chodrin will say…."feel it…breathe into it…compassionate being with yourself."

The timing of AFGO's is really not under my purview.  "AFGO's?" you ask.  "Another Fucking Growth Opportunity," I answer.  "An acronym from my dear ex-in-law's."  And so I find myself in another AFGO - always welcome…not always pleasant, and yet, I would not trade them.

And so I sit here…and feel my tight chest…my tight throat…my hot tears…my tired and hungry body. I want wine, and decide against it.  Not good to numb this stuff.  I keep yawning - "release," one of my former therapists would call it.

And I remember tapping…and so I tap.  What comes up is fear.  Fear of stepping into who I am.  Fear of stepping into my destiny.  Fear of being unable to pull my promotion packet together.  Fear of not getting the promotion after all of the work of putting together the packet.  Fear, sobbing, crying, breathing heavy, more fear, more fright, more sobbing…and then it slowly quiets…and then I sit in meditation.

And I'm worried about the semester.  I started out very well: organized; good preparation; good lessons.  I feel them all slipping away, as I attempt to juggle everything that is on my plate.  Hitting the deer and totaling my car put was a challenge - but seemed doable.  It was just another thing - a part of life.  But then, the earlier than anticipated deadline for the promotion packet ramped things up…not being able to get a refund from the hotel (I didn't cancel because - well - I killed a deer with my car instead) pissed me off.  The technology in my classroom fucking up every single time since last week - for three straight class periods - added to the load.  And then my daughter's father deciding at the last minute to leave town for the weekend - when my daughter has some larger transportation needs, and I have to get a promotion packet together…

Let's just say that things added up exponentially, and leave it at that.

Jesus - is it any wonder that I'm tapping my li'l heart out?  Life is sending me some pretty big lemons - and the worst part is that it is taking my other ingredients AND the time I need to make lemonade.  I've just got one, big, sour, fucking mess.

So how do I move forward?  I guess I just do it.  Ask for help…sit quietly and listen for Spirit…remember that my helpers are near, and will help if I only ask, and then receive their offerings.

I am so tired, now.  I always am after a good cry, and/or some sort of catharsis.  I am glad to have the house to myself this evening.

The thought has entered my mind more than once: is the clinical job in Winona schools gone?  Has someone taken it?  Is that my next step forward?  I don't think that it is - but it might be.

This is probably one of the most - if not the most - disorganized pieces of writing that I've posted.  Right now, though, I don't give a shit.  It is out of me - and that is the first step.  What seems most important now is that I eat, as I am suddenly noticing that I am hungry.  I'm going to make some eggs and then take a bath and go to bed.  Nourishing myself as if I were a small child seems important right now.  Hmmmm…maybe a protein smoothie with those wonderful sour Door County cherries is even a better idea.  Ice cream would be even better.  Maybe I've got some yogurt in there, and I could mix it with those montmorency cherries…yum.  That would be pretty damn good - and even better if I ate them in a hot bath.

My body has calmed.  I am still feeling tight in my chest, but my stomach does not feel as hollow.  My throat still feels tight.  When I imagined myself going to Perkin's to eat, it brought tears to my eyes - again.  So I'll eat here at home.  Frozen waffles and eggs.  Comfort food.

Ahhhhh…..could this be a healing crisis with my new homeopathic remedy?  If so, I think I'm ready for it to stop.  I need a breather.

Love.  Food. Prayer. Sleep.  Some of the best remedies I know.  They are good for me, and what's good for me will help heal the lymphoma, I'll bet.  And that includes this li'l ole breakdown this evening.

G'Night.

October 10th: Light, Dark, and an Eclipse

I had a draft that had been sitting, waiting to be published, since September 18th.  No time.  Work is demanding.  Staying prepared for all of my courses - two of which are new - is challenging.  All of my work that I've done over the summer in support of my health is slowly falling by the wayside, and gets less attention than it has.  I don't like this.  Either I have to change within my present situation, or my context has to change.  I don't see my present job context changing in the near future.  So, I'm going to state this here: I need to begin the search for another job.  Stating here will help make me accountable to myself.  The trick, I think, is in fully and clearly describing what I want to do.  Go back to clinical work?  Find an academic position where I can get the mentoring I need for my scholarly endeavors?  Open my own business again?  What is it that I want to do?

More needs to be written in this area.  I'm not sure how to carve out the time to "Listen" more.  However, there is no other way, but to listen.

Slight interruption: both my daughter and I were awake at 3:45 this morning - although we both went back to bed.  How weird.  However, now that we are up for our day, she called to me: the moon is in a full eclipse.  What a joy to see with her!  There is just a small crescent left on the right side.  Soon the shadow will cover the whole moon, and then after that, the light will be begin to shine again on the left side.  The moon again will be shining full light.  

And isn't this how it is with us humans, as well?  Periods of darkness, followed by light?  Ebb and flow, light and dark?  And yet - for me - even in darkness I can feel the presence of The Light.  

I am a Lucky Duck.

September 12: What Will You Do Now that Something About You has been called "Normal"?

No picture right now - no time.  Good news that must be shared, though - so a bare bones entry that will be expanded later.

I saw my clinician yesterday.  It seems that my white blood cell count has dropped back into the "typical" range.  I guess this lymphoma can go in fits and starts - and right now…well, I'm not sure whether it is the "fit" or the "start," - but it is in the typical range.

I am not totally in the clear: I have a blood test in 3 months, and then another in 6 months at which time I will see my clinician.  However, as my friend pointed out, the counts are in the normal range.  The title of this post was a query he had for me this morning…what will you do now that something about you has been called "normal?"...we HOWLED!  It was a great way to begin our morning meditation over Skype. 

And his query was such a good one; it really was full of poignancy - so humorous, yet so truthful.  It was the mark of a good friend: one who can point out our "realness" with humor and grace.  There is that connection (according to Myss and Hays) between blood and lymph cancers and the first chakra: questions about belonging; questions about feeling "a part of" a tribe.  So my "root chakra" relates to some of my "root" questions in my spiritual/emotional growth: Do I belong?  Can I belong?  Am I able to take in the love that is offered to me?  Will I let myself truly trust it and take it in?  All of these were questions I had to address this past summer as I explored my Stage IV Lymphoma diagnosis - and will continue to address as I move forward.  I would say that there is a "yes" answer to all of them - an answer that began tentatively, and grows stronger by the minute.  

These questions - and my attraction to people who are (and to me being) a titch away from  "average" -  are too large to address right now, as I am running off to work.  However, they are calling for some attention - which they will be given.  For right now, though, I think I will rest comfortably in something about me being "normal."  It seems like a wonderful, celebratory place to be.

Today? Awe, Grace, Gratitude…I am a Lucky Duck.

September 7: Divine Helpers - There for the Asking

I use a specific deck of cards by Sonia Choquette to help me gain clarity.  Last Wednesday, after a couple of exhausting days at work, I pulled three of the cards.  The first card tells me the attitude or frame of mind in which to approach the situation.  The second helps me understand the best way to shift the vibration of the current situation to a higher level.  The third helps me understand what I may be overlooking.

1.  Self-Esteem - Guardian Angel Michael.  This card asks me  

to stay strong, even though I may feel like the odd man out.  It encourages me to not seek approval, nor to doubt myself when I don't receive it.  Rather, it encourages me to stand in my full spirit-hood - stand true in what I know - and claim leadership of my own life.

2.  Exhaustion - Divine Helpers.  This card reminds me that while it is essential that I do all that is within my power to accomplish what I need to accomplish, it is also necessary for me to understand my limits - and ask for assistance from my Divine Helpers.  I can back off, ask for help, and let the Universe work its magic.  I forget about this.  It is so easy to get involved with the trappings of the day and what needs to be done, that I forget I have a multitude of support - all I need to do is ask.

3.  Physical Body - Gaia.  This card asks me to remember that my physical body is a gift from this Earth - a wonderful 

gift in which my Spirit can live.  I am asked to give it the love, respect (there's that word again), and attention it deserves - including good food, rest, a calm environment, and more.  It is through my body that the Earth speaks to me, and living in my head while ignoring my body will work at cross-purposes to getting done what needs to be done in this lifetime.  

Well.  That about nails it, doesn't it?  What else can be said?  

After drawing these cards - and I must say, I felt like the little orange figure in the second picture - I got online and booked acupuncture and Reiki appointments.  A massage was already scheduled.  Then, I put these cards in a place where I would see them everyday to help me remember to  ask for help, and to listen to and care for my body.  

Yesterday, my massage therapist used a Hopi Indian technique in aligning my spine.  I became aware of many Grandmothers there - and the love I felt coming from them 

was strong and grounded.  And I could take some of it in - I just didn't notice it was there, but I was able to feel it, identify it, and take some of it in. They are working in me now.  I welcomed them.  I asked for their help.  I am now, as I write this, thanking them and letting them do their thing - letting the Universe work its magic.  Ask for help.  Keep asking for help.   

This morning, I am realizing that I have eaten very little.  I have not been overly hungry.  In listening to my body this morning, however, I know it is craving several things:  vegetables, exercise, and a walk in nature.  I will give it these things.  And then I will listen again, and discern the next steps.

Last night, I thought I was going to go to a play.  I was led, however, to go to work.  I tuned in.  Really???  Work???  

However, I was extremely productive, and laid the foundation work for all of my courses that will support my creativity in lesson planning for this week.  I am ready - save for some minor review and revision - to begin the "fun stuff."  I don't feel "behind."  And it didn't take that long.  Listening and following the "leading within" was a good thing. 

Stop. 

Wait. 

Listen. 

Ask for help.

Rest in the Universe and let it work its magic.  

'Nuf said…  

August 28: Taking It In and Protection from Onslaught

Interesting.   On Tuesday, I was feeling pretty good.  After my work day yesterday, I was feeling not so good.  As I reflected on what had happened, I realized that I had not protected myself psychically from the onslaught of work with all of its energy, walls, and dead ends.  Shall we talk about a few of the good things first?

I was at the Great River Folk Festival in La Crosse, WI, where folk music is celebrated and artists show and sell 

their creations.  Several years ago, I had seen a wooden music stand that was beautiful - and I wanted one.  It was too expensive for me at the time.  However, this year, someone had given me a monetary gift in celebration of my birthday and the attainment of my clinical doctoral degree and my birthday.  I had enough to get the music stand - if the vendor/artist was there.

He was there.  There were two styles of stands - one was $190 and the other was $160.  Both were gorgeous.  I went with the $160 one - graceful lines and curves - and would suit my needs.  I took it back to the music tent and sat down.  As I settled into waiting for the next musical act, I realized that I was feeling uneasy.  I continued to sit with this "unease," and finally realized the cause: I had not purchased the music stand that I truly wanted, because of the extra $30 in price.  The one I wanted was even MORE beautiful, with even MORE graceful lines.  Even as the

music holder was raised, it curved up toward me, as if reaching out to help me see the music better.  Short story:  I went back to the booth, traded in what I had just purchased for one that I TRULY wanted, paid the extra $30, and went back to the music tent with my new music stand.  The uneasiness was gone.

This was a radical thing for me to do.  In my life $30 is a lot of money.  However, as I tended to what my heart truly wanted, I had respected myself.  That small outward physical manifestation resulted in a huge inward shift.  I am at peace, and so totally pleased and delighted with the work of art I purchased for myself.  Absolutely delighted.

Other things that happened: as I have sat with what it means to respect myself, I have been processing many memories of my past.  The kicker is that I am realizing that there were times when someone had reached out to me - had loved me and gifted me at just the right time - but I had been unable to take it in.  

Now, those memories are opening up like Christmas presents that have been abandoned for years.  The gifts are still fresh inside, and no less meaningful.  When I open them, I am amazed at the love and presence that comes my way.  And while I did process some of the "good stuff" back in the day - I have a visceral memories of not taking in those good feelings in their entirety.  I couldn't, then.  But I can, now.  And it's good.  

I have searched for one of these people - Walter K. Walter - my English teacher my junior and senior year in high school, and one of my staunchest supporters.  I knew I loved him

then, and have continued to love him for years, though I've not seen him since I was 19.  It is only recently that I have been able to take in his love for me.  It's enough for me to approach Oprah about a TV show with a theme of finding people who have made a difference in our lives, and thanking them.  I want to be the first episode.  Mr. Walter - if you are out there - know that your gifts to me surpassed even your awareness.  Over 40 years later, your presence in my life is keenly felt.  Thank you.

So, with this open heart, I entered my work week - the first week back after the summer.  I did well the first two days.  I was able to energetically protect myself, move forward, get work completed.  Yesterday, though, was difficult.  My morning started out well, as I was able to go walking/running for the first time in weeks.  Over the course of the day, though, I had the realization of how much work there is to be done this semester.  

I will be receiving overload pay for my extra teaching - but it does not seem like a fair energetic exchange (in picture to the right, my health and well being is getting shrifted).  I also realized - for the umpteenth time - that my work environment will not support me growing in the direction that I think I am supposed to be growing.  I am told that I will never be considered as tenurable, given that I have a clinical doctorate rather than a PhD.  I am told this without any review of the work and research I have done to date - and, much less, without even a simple question such as "So what did you look at?  What did you find?  How might it influence our field or your future work?" - from the powers that be.  


Wonderful!  Note to Reader: that was Sarcasm.  I am naive and trusting.  I know that discrimination is alive and well.  I guess I didn't believe that it would happen at an institution of higher learning, where there is a department for Campus Inclusiveness, along with initiatives to decrease the

discrimination felt on campus.  I never expected it at this level:  Deborah, your initials will be considered before any consideration of your work and/or your abilities.  How naive of me to think that a clinical doctoral degree, along with the research and work I am doing, would allow me to be viewed in any sort of equal light.  And this, folks, is what took the wind out of my sails - this is what I had not protected myself against…that the five years I have spent obtaining my doctoral degree makes no difference to my employer.  None.  What.  So.  Ever.  At least this is the story from my supervisor.  

I am sitting with the decision about whether to approach my Dean and/or the Provost.  But I have to decide whether I have the energy and time, and if I do, then I will need to be prepared, organized, and clear in both my heart and head.  This decision - or not - to move up the administrative ladder with these concerns, will take some thought.

And in light of my recent query, I have to ask: Am I

respecting myself by staying in a place where I will have to fight to grow into the directions and space that my doctoral training has opened up?  I'm not so sure.  Are there other places that will support my growth into myself, and the work that seems to be asking to be addressed?

There is a voice that says, "Let this season.  Notice it, Little One, but take no action yet.  Listen for your next steps."  

It also says, "Gather yourself; Listen for your next steps; Act with Right Action; Direction will come."

And so I will.

Stop.      Wait.       

And I am going to add: Act in Right Action when it is time.

As Mary Oliver states, in her poem about trees,

"...and you too have come into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled with light, and to shine."

Photo obtained on 8/28/2014 at http://onebigphoto.com/uploads/2013/04/sun-rays-shining-through-trees.jpg.  It was taken by Michael Woloszynowicz.

Postscript:  I am noticing that, while this picture appears in the "preview," it does not seem to consistently appear in the actual published entry.  If you can't see it, I encourage you to go to the url and view this gorgeous pic by Michael Woloszynowicz.