April 14th, 2017

I am starting anew.  Three glorious paths chosen - some from confusion - but all, in the end, for health.

For three days in a row I have walked out of work while it was still daylight.  It is a good thing.  On Monday, I had left early to order new glasses.  I drove home with the full intention of going back to work once I finished my task.  I  walked to the optician's (2 blocks down, much easier to park at home and walk), and then walked home.

My building supervisors (Kathy and Hank) were sitting out on their deck as I walked to my entrance, and said, "Hey how are you doing?"  I answered, "Not bad."  They replied, "It's

always better now that you are home, yeah?" I replied, "That's for sure!" And then the voice in my head said, "Fuck No!  You are not taking me back to work!" 
 

And so I didn't....take her to work.  I stayed home.  I ate outside on a small patio table that was left by the previous occupants, and looked at the hillside that was free of weeds and other detritus, given my reclaiming of it over the past weekend.  It.  Was. Wonderful.  Later that evening, even working on my taxes was not a chore.

The next evening, I left because I had a hike I was planning

to attend - unanswered email stayed in the "inbox" as I shut down the computer and walked out the door.  I was half-way home before I remembered that it was Wednesday - and the hike was on Thursday.  Again - wonderful.  I finished my taxes.  


Last night, I was planning on the hike - remember?  The one I had thought was happening the night before?  I left even

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earlier to make the hike. 

I had a meeting with my Dean - and when I was done, I left emails unopened and unread in my inbox, again shut down my computer, and walked out the door.  




Once I got home and plugged the coordinates into the GPS, I discovered that the traffic across the bridge was thick.  It

was going to turn what had been a 30 minute drive into a one hour and 15 minute drive.  Even with the extra 30 minutes I had built in, I would be 30 minutes late for the hike.  Well, no worries.  I went to the Rockefeller Preserve - which was lovely.  

And the last two mornings, I have chosen to meditate on two readings from a daily book of the same - one for the day and one for 6 months from the day.  

It seems like slow work - but definitely a better path than what I was on.  And if, today, I can walk out while it is still light out, I will have accomplished an 80% goal this week: 4 of 5 days, I left while it was still light out.  And the goal really didn't even exist in my consciousness.  

Thank goodness that I have a strong "hidden voice" that seems to look out for my better interests.  

Thank goodness that I had the wherewithal to listen when it was speaking. 

March 25th, 2017

I only know this: it is too late for me to be up.  However, I thought it would be a good thing to write a little bit before going to bed.  

I received an email from a friend tonight that had a link to a wonderful map.  I'll insert the link right here.  https://www.meteorshowers.org/#Eta%20Aquariids

It's a map of our universe, with several planets that circle round the sun.  The date is listed, and every August, I could see Earth moving through a dust cloud that results in the Perseid Meteor Showers. It was a moving map,

and I could see the meteors and the dust and the planets - all moving and interacting. It was wonderful.  and then, by choosing from the drop down box - or other little boxes - I could see different meteor showers and when the Earth would pass through them...or I could see everything happening at once, or see the view from Earth...definitely one of my new favorite websites.  Omigoodness...how small I felt, yet how connected I felt..."I am a part of all that..."


And I noticed how happy I was to hear from him.  I don't know him well, meeting him the May before I accepted the job here in NY.  We've spent a little time over email, and I saw him at a Quaker gathering almost a year ago.  He seems like a kind soul, and has shared his love of music and musings, and I feel a kinship with him in these things. 

And my heart lifted when I saw his email - a familiar soul.  that's it...someone familiar with whom I have been able to

share some spiritual space with.  I can feel the lack of that here - not so much the spiritual space, but sharing it with someone.  So maybe it's time for me to open myself up to it, and see what turns up.  


And maybe spend a little more time in a Meeting...stop with the "I don't know which one to go to" and just go.  Period.   Maybe ignore the pull to go to work and sing in my living room...maybe hang my pictures...maybe listen a little harder as I wait for my laundry to finish its cycle in the machine.  And maybe, simply finish this post tomorrow after I've grabbed some shut-eye.

I do think, though, that the "shifting" will be in the doing, rather than the "maybe," so let me be more definitive right now:  G'Night, Moon.

November 10, 2016

WTF????

When I finally looked at the two items I posted this evening, I see that I was writing about grief last June...

Amazing...I must have been ignoring it all these months for it to be clobbering so deeply now...

Yep - and that's the way it goes with me...perhaps this time I will figure out a way to tend to these things in a more rhythmic way instead of these tsunami/drought onslaughts. 

Or not.

 In more ways than one...

November 10, 2016

A series of unfortunate events...

...though I am grateful that my things arrived, they did so

in an inconvenient way and time....I am still in the midst of boxes to unpack...

...the remnants of a vicious cold with vestigial sporadic

stuffy/runny sinuses and a tiredness that will not quit are still present and accounted for....

...so much so that I accidentally nodded off while in a meeting...not just any meeting...but a meeting at which there were bigwigs from the federal government and the Provost's office...a place where a good impression is important...and at one point I looked down and saw that

my notes had reduced to a few little marks on the paper.  I am so glad that I didn't drool or drop my pen.

...both the associate dean and the dean herself asked about my health, and commented - individually...at different times...about me appearing to sleep during the meeting,

and that it is better to excuse myself when I am feeling that tired than to sit there and give a poor impression.  Well...too late for that now...the only saving grace is that the Provost will be leaving in May and we are actively searching for a new one...I'll have to be careful about nodding off at their interviews...oh...wait...I think it may be too late for that...I'm remembering how tired I was at Provost Interviewee #2's gathering...can you spell S-H-E-E-P-I-S-H???????

...I took myself out for dinner before picking up a few items at the store...after dinner, I walked into my favorite organic store, and it is empty: the frozen fruit is gone, the meat is gone, the dairy is gone, and - the worst - all of the fresh produce is gone - and the employees have not been told what is going on.  If I have to find yet another shopping place I fear I will go mad.  I just don't want more change...

...and of course the news of he-who-must-not-be-named,

complete with Brexits and Russians applauding his victory  and sooooo looking forward to working with him...The good news is that I won't be moving to Britain or Russia - but I do have friends in Canada...who are willing to let me sleep over at their house and let me do errands for room and board...Ok, that's not unfortunate...that is VERY fortunate...

...finding out today that there are not "two" annual reports

that must be completed each year - but "three" of them...Meatball's "two out of three ain't bad" does not apply in this instance, and I now have another report to write that was due 6 months ago...

...and did I mention the college-level self-study that is

due?  It's different than the one mentioned above that is 6 months overdue...

...today was the first day that I thought, "I don't know if I can do this job..."

I'm thinking...Oy...nothing...there is nothing "in there"...just feeling overwhelmed...

And then a friend calls me on the phone...listens with an open heart...gives me a pep talk...tells me how capable I am...asks me what I'm going to do for myself to help me feel better...

...and I realize that - more than all of this - Grief is rearing

its head.  It has come in for an extended visit - and perhaps has been slowly intensifying over time.  My guess is that when my stuff finally got here, it swelled to its now ginormous size, and is the underlying culprit in how low I'm feeling right now.  

So - that's my first order of business.  

Grieve, my dear one, grieve... 

June 26, 2016

Really nothing to say here...I got into the blog this evening (11-10-2016) and on this particular post it said "Draft."

I opened it, and there was nothing there.  

It seemed important - for some unknown reason - to preserve Draft, so I did.  Tonight, on 11-10-2016, I created a new post instead of using Draft.  

So - what you are reading right this minute was started on June 26th, 2016 - but nothing was really written until tonight....right now. 

That's a long time in between posts - and even longer between the last actual post before Draft, and the one I actually just posted before this one earlier this evening on November 10th, 2016 - but will probably show up after this one, given that this one was Draft, and the other one wasn't.

I do think that I've fallen off the wagon of self-care...my trip back to Wisconsin for my things, and then to San Diego for work has left me feeling asynchronous and off-kilter.  Definitely off my game.  

Damn.  Time for exercise, acupuncture, massage, and radical self-care.  Making the time for it...loving my body and my heart and my soul up as much as I can stand...maybe dancing this Saturday evening...

In the words of a friend from Minnesota: Yuppers. 

June 26th, 2016: Joy Guides

This morning I woke up, and chose a book from the many that I had borrowed at the Library yesterday.  It didn't work, so I chose another.  These first two are going back, I think.  They were written in first person, and the lead character was chattering on...my ears felt assaulted...the person would stop talking when I stopped reading - but would begin the incessant chatter once I started reading again.  Mismatch.  Both will be going back today or tomorrow.

I pulled three cards from a deck that I use to support centering and focus in my life.  The first card suggests an attitude or frame of mind with which to approach an issue, the second points to a way to shift the present energy towards a higher level, and the third suggests what I may be overlooking.  Here's what I drew:

 The first is attending to my physical body.  Duh.  No Brainer.  I have not been nurturing my body - even driving it like a slave master.  This truly does point to the attitude with which I need to move forward.  I am grateful - again - to be reminded of the obvious.

 The second is a "note to self" - a reminder that all of us - me, included -  are children of Spirit, and that "Any self-rejection and self-criticism" I may feel are "wounds inflicted" on me by an "unconscious world."  They are not a part of me, and not part of my Spirit. 

 



 The last brought a query: it represents what I may be overlooking.  Basically, it states that I need to get ready for the party, as all of my efforts have paid off.  I can call it "luck," but it is also due to my hard work over a long time span.



My first thought was, "How can it get any better?"  I have had difficulty getting to my Grief (yes, capital "G") because of the many gifts I seem to have received this past year.  When I reflect back on where I was a year ago January, and where I am now, I can only say that I am astounded and blessed.

And, when I stop to pause, even this Grief is a gift because - in the midst of all of my life's new changes - I am finally "getting to" the things that were important to me in La Crosse...the things that bore me up amid the other necessities that needed doing...and were, at the risk of being a little sappy, the gems that shone in the darkness.  All of those things deserve my attention, now.  


                         This really is "Good Grief." 

                      The very BEST kind of Grief....

I am blessed to have so many things to grieve, and honoring my grief is the very best way to honor those things which are no longer near - Mom inlcuded, with her lack of physical presence felt as strongly and as as poignantly as the good things in La Crosse.

Today, the tears started with a post on Fb.  A former student lost her dear pet Hedgehog - to cancer, she believes.  I met that hedgehog.  She brought him for a surprise visit - a "therapy hedgehog" - for one of the children in our UW-L Peds Play Lab.  He was wonderful.  I ached for her loss. I remember that visit - and it brought me joy.  

So, once again, there is never really only this or that emotion...one or the other...black or white...but those wonderful shades of gray wherein - truly - all of the colors lie.

"If there is any secret to this life I live, this is it: The sound of what cannot be seen sings within everything that can...there is nothing more to it than that."

June 25, 2016: At Last the Grief Comes...

This is the time that I wish I smoked.  I'm sitting here after a decent cry - and still crying, as a matter of fact.  And I am worn out, yet still have more tears to come.  I am spent.  What I would like to do is climb the hill behind my apartment house and sit in the trees - the small patch of woods that lines the Old Croton Aquaduct Trail - and smoke a cigarette.  

I can imagine how it feels....lying up there in the dark of the trees...drawing off the cigarette...

the burning of the smoke through my breath passages and then the slow blowing out after a momentary "holding it in."  There is something lonely in that picture - yet also stoic...relaxing...centering.  Right now, when I take a deep breath in and let it out - slowly exhaling - I just cry more.  There is nothing, cool, calm, centered or stoic about it.  

And I just ran out of fucking kleenexes.  Thank the Gods and Goddesses that I bought toilet paper this evening.  Otherwise I would really be screwed. 



I thought I would go into the city for a show and a contra

dance tomorrow evening - however, there is no dancing.  No dancing until next September.  Too hot, I guess.




I want to get up tomorrow and ride my bike in the marsh.  I want to walk downtown and have a beer and a sandwich at the Bodega.  I want to pack the car and camp at Rock Island and sing in the boathouse.  I want to sleep on Keith's sailboat named Grace and I want to go sailing.  I want to paddle in North Ontario with my Wise and Wild Women.  

                           I WANT 

Because, as Andy Rooney says: 

Familiar things bring comfort to us all. 

This funny space...the only way through it is through it...it is beyond my understanding how surrendering to the chaos (and, well, I was going to say pain but it really doesn't hurt physically) of grief is one of the most grounding things one can do - at least that I can do.  

 The only way to get home, really....